Whatever that happened last night / earlier on hurts like a bitch. No, it hurts more than that, but definitely cant be compared to th pain that Ive inflicted on you. Th physical, mental & emotional pain, or any other kind of pain possible. And Ive said this over & over again, but I wont stop. Its clear enough that I cant stop but to blame myself for all that had happened & youre doing th same as well. To know how much you hate me for landing you in this state really feels like having a knife stabbing right through my heart for countless of times. It hurts. Its killing me. I know youre not gonna forgive me because I know how fucking mad you are with me right now, but look, Im really sorry. If theres anything that I could do to make it all up to you, I'll be more than glad to do so. Theres nth that I want more than for you to be well just like before, all happy & cheeky, just like how you always are. But I know things wont be th same anymore because these will definitely leave a deep scar & youre gonna get reminded of it over and over again, then youre probably gonna start blaming me for all these shit, and th cycle just go on. How could you even live around someone who has hurt you so deep?

Still, I will try my best. Its gonna hurt like hell, you pushing me away every single time & youre probably gonna act like I dont even exist. But its okay. Until youre well, Im not going anywhere.

I hope that your op will go on smoothly. Please stay strong just like how you always are. I know youre gonna be fine. InsyaAllah, you'll recover fast. Take care, please.

Just last night, you told me that you wanted us to be just friends. Nothing more. Which I believed, that you have been telling me since I dont know when, but just that my mind couldnt really process that info or probably, I just dont want to accept th fact. Yes, that was harsh. Th truth hurts, but its okay. I thought, we should probably do it your way. Maybe we would have discover something different then. So with that, I thought, I should probably treat you th same way as I did to any other. Th same level of attention. In other words, youre no longer a priority. Well, Im just a friend to anyway, right? Therefore, a friend I shall be.

Anyway, I decided to be honest & tell you that I went jogging with my sister's friend just now, which happens to be a guy. Not that hes someone that I just knew or whatever. Hes my younger sibling's schoolmate, as well as my ITE mate. And not to forget, hes attached as well. Not as though I dont know my limit. He is just a friend. Period.

Your reaction. I dont know if I should be mad or surprised or aloof about it. You sounded rather unhappy I guess, since you hung up on me a couple of times though Ive called again and again. Texts werent even replied, so I think youre mad, yes? Haha. And based on that reaction, I assume youre just jealous then, which is kinda a happy thing for me because it simply shows that you still care. Honest, I was confused with everything but I guess action speaks louder than words. Still, Im glad you didnt ignore me completely because if you do, its really unreasonable of you to do so. Im just a friend, afterall. You wanted this. So why th jealousy / insecurities, if theres even any? Still, whatever.

Youre so fickle-minded. Make up your mind.

I should have known how much of a jerk you are.

Hah. To think that I'd even bother to bring some of th gifts that Ive received last night, just to share it with you. But its okay. I can have them all to myself then. And th best part? I have no fucking idea what or where did I went wrong! Fuck you k! I'll never forget this. Ever.

Because nothings greater than th rush that comes with your embrace.

Just when I thought that yesterday gonna be th last that we'll ever meet, things change. Dinner @ BBQ Chicken, followed by aimless riding through th busy town (with you & your cheeky behaviour, always), then finally settling down at Marina Bay Sands. With you to lean on, we talked about anything & everything throughout th windy night, witnessing th passing clouds every now and then. Such serenity.

To be waking up in your arms after a long & tiring day is just amazing. Love th way you brush away th hair on my face while Im asleep & th way you go "abeh you tknk hug me?" just to get a hug from me / get us cuddling before you sleep. And th look in your eyes & that smile, followed by th hugs & kisses despite th fact that we're both were freshly up from our sleep. Yes, shower-less & me, probably looking like a maid. But you not minding all that? Such contentment.

I wish we could do this everyday. Not now or anytime soon, definitely. But like you said, probably in 3 years' time where we would have a definite status, then another few years where we would officially belong together. InsyaAllah. Thinking far, yes? Something that we would work towards to but ultimately, time will tell.

Nevertheless, thank you for th day / night. Thank you for your time. Thank you for everything. We both have our own flaws, but youre still wonderful just like how you always are. I love you, Syafiq.

I know an apology or many apologies wont automatically heal everything. But what makes you think that all these, doesnt even bother me? It hurts me more than you will ever know.
And th sad thing is? You still hold it against me. I should have known.

Had a long chat with Ain last night over dinner & so many things spilled out. Thought of keeping it to myself, other than whatever thats already on Twitter but I guess I just cant help it. I guess it did made me feel way better, because Ive finally let out whatever inside & there's another person's point of view regarding whatever shit that happened th day before. I guess, both Syafiq & I made a mistake. We both did, but I messed up more. So many things that she said still lingers in my mind, which made me determine to fix things & make it right, just like how it was before. Furthermore, I already know what and how he was like, how his attitude and character is, so I should have known better how to react right? But what if, hes not giving me that chance? Whatever it is & no matter whats gonna happen in th future, I first, must forgive myself for whatever that happened that night.

It doesnt hurt me any lesser when I realised what Ive done to you. I really didnt mean to even hurt you. Im so sorry!

Probably, I was th worst thing that ever happened in your life.

I hope that you'll be left with not a single memory of me.

How could you forget one who gave you so much to remember?

Thank you for making my 2011 wonderful & a memorable one, despite th fact that th beginning was very sucky. I guess it has to end th same way as well then? You should know how very happy I am whenever Im with you, when Im next to you. Th happy feeling inside me which goes "yaaaaaaaay!", to know that we're gonna meet. Th teasing, th 'physical abuse', th jokes & laughter. Just everything.

I could never thank you enough & I hope you know that I really appreciate all that youve done for me all these while. Waking up early on days where youre supposed to be resting, just to send me to work. And that was just because I woke up late & which sometimes, I was just plain lazy to take th train / waste more money on cab fares. And I could never thank you enough for troubling yourself to fetch me from work or even wherever that I was at, although sometimes it was to your inconvenience.

Thank you for all th times where you actually tolerated my attitude & ridiculous behaviour. Im pretty sure it has always annoyed th fuck out of you, because thats what happened to me all th time when you did th same. But I guess, you chose not to give a fuck anymore whenever that happens because its easier that way. You dont & wont get affected by it. Easy isnt it?

Thank you for bringing me to places that I wanna go, although you may have been there before. We both know that we still have a list of places to go to, things that we wanna do together, but I guess we just have to forget all about it. It cant, and wont happen anymore. Just not possible, I guess? Sigh.

Despite all these, it kills me to know, to even feel like somehow, theres something missing. I dont know if its just me, that Ive been comparing with others or expecting how things should be like when we're together. Then again, maybe its not me. Maybe youre just too comfortable with how we are now, thus th mindset that you dont need to work anymore. I appreciate all your presence / you spending time with me, but I dont want it to stop just there. Even when we're not physically around, I wanted to feel like I could depend on you anytime, anywhere when I need it even if its over th littlest things. I should be thankful that theres still phone calls every now and then, but I hated how we stopped texting unless theres really something. What happened to th times where you just texted for nothing, just to ask how I was or what am I doing? Its still th thought that counts, because atleast it shows that I crossed your mind. It sucks, but its really a fact that one does stop doing th things that they did back then, when they tried to get someone. Harsh reality, yes? But I guess to you, its just too much to ask for. However, I am very thankful that when Im around you, its really just me. As in texts or whatever from any other girls will be entertained later on, which is I guess, a basic respect.

In all honesty, although I feel that I loved you more than you love me, I couldnt recall what Ive done for you. Maybe because I knew how much Ive done for you back then, like going all th way over to your school to wait for your training to end, etc. And precisely. That was back then. A thing of a past. But right now, this "new chapter", when we have managed to somehow fix things & got better together, when I think back, I really have to question myself if Ive done as much as youve done for me. Maybe not as much because I know how it'll always go unappreciated. In other words, 'once bitten, twice shy', sort of? Also, probably because of all endurance / perseverance / patience that Ive went through, just to hold on to this, it may seemed that my love is greater than yours. Maybe I just didnt realise that on my side, Ive taken you for granted as well & somehow, became more demanding. I expected a lot from you & feel that its okay to do that, simply because I wanted to see if you could make an exception for me, though it may wear you out. But I guess, people get tired one day & want to try something new / different. I do get tired as well, from all these holding on & expectations which at times, leads to disappointment. And its our fault. Mine, for expecting too much & yours, for giving me hope.

I'll definitely miss you & all th things that we used to do together. I'll miss how you'll always piggy back me down th stairs. I'll miss how you'll finish my food / drinks when you told me you only wanted some of it. I'll miss how we'll put our strength to test & wrestle each other (which you gave in to me most of th times because clearly, youre way stronger than I am). I'll miss how you'll buy food for me, just because I said I wanted to eat them. I'll miss how you'll randomly mess up my hair, just because you felt like doing so although you know very well how I dislike it. I'll miss plucking th hairs on your legs, just because I feel like doing so and you, wont even get mad at me though it hurts a tiny weeny bit. I'll miss sleeping on your chest, with our fingers interlocking one another's. You should know how safe, as well as happy I felt, whenever you hugged me tight. All your snorings which annoys th fuck out of me at times, yet I could still sleep soundly despite them all, it goes in th list too. I'll miss all th ugly faces you'll always make just to irritate th shit out of me, though sometimes, I felt that you still look okay with them. I'll miss how you always make me smile / laugh no matter how hard I tried to stay angry with you & vice versa. I'll miss you, Syafiq.

I could go on & on when it comes to this. Bottomline is, I'll miss you. So much & more than anything.

Its either one of us will regret that this happened, or we'll be glad that it did. I guess we decided to stop trying, probably because we both knew its just another cycle. Though you didnt say a word, at all, which upsets th fuck out of me because I hated when that happens, where Im blabbering whatever that Im feeling out yet you chose to ignore all that completely, Im still gonna thank you because maybe, you just wanna make things easy for us. So yeah. I hope we'll both be happy, though we both know its not easy. But if its not gonna work out anymore, then why even bother wasting our time trying?

I hope you'll be happy, just like how you always are. And I know you will be.

I wish nothing but th best for you too.

Running a temperature.

And he, insists that I eat th medicine (but fail, because no one can ever make me eat one, regardless of who you are to me. HAHA!). Therefore, he applied th cold pack on my head, as well as whipping up some food for me to eat when Im up from my rest.

Didnt have a great morning, but this has definitely made my day better. I guess Im quite easy to please? Or maybe, Im just too soft / weak when it comes to him. Nevertheless, thank you very much.

"Whats th point of loving someone, if you cant give your all to her, and make her happy? And to be there for her whenever she needs it?"

Whats th point of you being arnd, when you cant even be there for me when I needed someone th most? To be able to entertain all my silly yet ridiculous thoughts & imagination, as well as insecurities about anyth and everyth? You are so distant. I can have you by my side, but deep down, it feels like youre just so far. Because youre only arnd when youre physically are, and when we're far, you literally are. Sucks isnt it?

You told me that I had an attitude. But do you know where this "attitude" came from? Its from all th insecurities, th doubts not clarified, intuition and expectations. Clearly, you just dont care or even bother about what or how Im feeling because youve never asked. Even when I started to pour out whatever shit that Im feeling inside, most of th time, there'll be no replies from you. Am I supposed to settle for this? Having to go through these on my own, when Im supposed to have "someone" by my side? And you, are th someone who I couldnt even confide in, nor can I share whatever shit that has been happening in my life. Someone who is not even interested to even know about anyth or whatever thats on my mind. And someone whos just isnt there, when I needed him th most. So, if this is how youre gonna be, then whats th point of you being around? Its th same as me, being alone.

Ive ever promised myself that he'll get just one last chance. Fuck up, out you go.

Because clearly, he would rather end this shit, than to tolerate all my nonsense. He decided.

Probably, this is th time.

Ever felt this way? Having someone by your side yet at th same time, it felt like th person is just so far away from you. So near, yet so far. Been thinking since just now & I guess, thats just what Ive been feeling. I cant help but to think that.. nevermind. Sigh. Probably its just me & my expectation. Or its just you & your aloofness. Either way, its not supposed to feel this way.

And funny how photos can be so deceiving, depicting how happy two person may be with each other when behind th scene, its just another different story. All th emptiness, etc. Just bullshit.

Ultimately, this just sums up to one thing. Its just not enough.

I tried being grateful, being contented with everything that I have right now. But th more I am, th lesser efforts you make, which is just not fair.

And all these while, Ive been wanting to know about how you feel, which you'll never tell me and I guess, wont ever. Stop this guessing game or whatever shit, please? Im not a mind reader. I dont know whats on your mind, as much as I want to know. And assumption kills, yes? Sigh.

Say what? Its finally over! Hahaha. After weeks or even months of practice & all, we're finally done with th year-end concert, which is such a relief because it was really tiring. Cheers to all th kids & teachers for all their hard work to make this happen. And Im so proud of my N1! Hehehe.

Nevertheless, anticipating some changes next year. Doubt most of my little ones will be following to th new centre, so yeah. Haiya. Gonna miss them all, definitely.

Gonna make good use of this more than 3 weeks left with them!

Anyway, th heavy rain couldnt change our mind because we still dined in at Mad Jack yesterday. Yay! After close to 2 hours of being stuck in th rain, as well as waiting for his bike to be moveable again, we finally reach our destination. Th poncho really comes in handy, I must say. Hahaha. So yeah. Rode through th rain home after that, then tv-ing to sleep.

And what else can I say? Nothing is more perfect than to have your other half to snuggle / cuddle with to sleep, after an exhausting day. And th way he hug me tight whenever Im cold is simply superb. Hehehe.

Thank you for th day, sayang melayang!

:D