In a blink of an eye, everything you ever knew can change.

Feels like Im losing you.

Or probably, Ive lost.

Just because th relationship ended, doesnt mean th feelings did.

I love you th same, still.

I know I betrayed, but Im made to ignore the universe when I see you. Cause every night th stars will shine, verging into U-turns times.

So, I managed to pull through th past few days though it wasnt easy. But at times, I questioned myself. How long am I going to do this & remain this way?

Taking a long walk from wherever really helps, especially at times where Ive got lots of things on my mind. Those answers that I need to find, doubts not clarified & simply anyth else that occupies my mind at that point of time. I dont know why, but I kept wondering. How can one expect another to "chase / stay" when they are th ones who walkaway? I know in this case, action speaks louder than words. But what if, its not really how people expect things to be? Does it even make sense to stay / chase after th one who chose to leave? And if one still matters, why leave? Does not chasing / staying really means that th person no longer care? What if th person is simply hurt by all these? Obviously, these thoughts have been on my mind for th past hours. Then it struck me, how can I even expect him to chase / stay, during th times where I was th one who chose / decide to leave? It can either mean he really doesnt care, or he was just hurt by that, thus it might be better to leave things as it is. Th reason why all these suddenly crossed my mind was because I realised that th moment he decided to leave, th first thing on my mind automatically was to try as hard as I could, to make him stay. But I guess theres still a limit to one's patience & endurance. It was okay initially, but I guess after th constant pushing away & several "I dont want you anymore", this has got to stop.

If this is a test, I guess I failed. But I just dont want to do all these anymore. Why even bother to try when obviously, its no longer worth it?

So, I guess this is it. All th memories & future plans, burn. Well of course, we plan but th one whos gonna decide th outcome will be Him. And I believe this is for th best.

Deep down, I kinda hate th way he left. Putting th blame on me & making it sound like Im th bad one. But whats new? Th bad things that one has done will always be remembered more than th good / memorable / happier ones. Thats how it works, I guess? All it takes was one mistake, then poof. All gone, just like that.

And Im sorry that Im not around, like how I said I will be & as badly as I want to. Youre not making anything easy for me, so I guess its better to do it your way. But I know youre gonna recover well. Thats all that matters anyway.

Go on, boy. I'll be fine.

‎"Let him go for the moment. Let him see the world without you around."

If he doesnt come back, then I'll let go for good.

Not easy, but its not impossible either.

Head up, stay strong. Fake a smile, move on.

I cant believe it. Five years plus down th drain. Just like that.

People change. Feelings fade.

And this hurts so bad.

Yes.

Because you have no idea how much Im missing you right now.

I can feel us drifting apart. Seems like everything just doesnt feel th same anymore. No more efforts, coming from both sides. Just nothing.

Now what? Let it all come crashing down? Probably.

Accept and let go. Never easy, but just suck it up.

Hospital bed. Yeap, thats where I was at during th last few minutes of 2011. Didnt get to watch live fireworks this year although I could if I decided not to be here with you, but its okay. Its my choice. Furthermore, whats th point of watching th fireworks when youre so far away from me? I'd rather watch it at th tv, next to you. Just like th National Day.

Done with 2011 & it wasnt an easy year, honestly. But Im glad that Ive managed to pull through all these shits. Not hoping much for this brand new year. As a start, I just hope I could be a better person & learn to do things without expectations. And I'll be more than glad if Ive managed to accomplish it.

On a different note, been spending th night at th hospital so that I could accompany him through th night & assist him whenever he needs it. Nothing hard, but this is really my first time doing all these. Sometimes, it seems like I could have done better than this because I can be really clueless, dont know what to do & things like that. Useless much? I dont even know how to comfort / console him when hes in so much pain, enduring whatever that he needs to, and Im like just standing there watching him. It feels so.. sigh. Whatever that word is. Haha. Right now, theres nothing that I want more than for him to recover fast. There are times where I caught him staring into space, probably thinking about whatever that he dont wish to tell me, as much as I want to know. Its okay. Like Ive said countless of times, things will get better & youre gonna be fine. You will recover, you will heal. Th scars will remain there, but I hope this is a lesson learnt.

And th hardest thing about all these? Is to do it sincerely, without any expectations. At all.