Selamat Hari Raya!

^^v

It's scary how anyone can easily be replaced.

Here I go again.

Yesterday was one emotional day for me, cause I decided to end a "relationship" that obviously mean so much to me. It hurts to just decide to do it, but it hurts even more when th decision was already made & told. So as usual, not much reaction from him & I guess he was pretty unhappy about it. What makes he think that Im so happy that I decide to do this then? But oh well, it already happened & I guess, theres no turning back, as much as I always do.

A friend gave her opinion about this whole thing & I admit, its nice to have someone to just share with me about whatever that she has been observing, etc. I know how annoying this whole thing is, how ridiculous it may be at times but Im just fighting for my happiness. It doesnt make sense to just give it all up just because someone or whoever was annoyed with me for being real, for being who I am. If it makes them happy that I finally keep my mouth shut, keep my opinions all to myself, and if Im going to bother so much about what others think, then whos gonna care about whatever that Im feeling, whatever that I need?

You know, sometimes Im just helpless. But it doesnt matter, cause no one will ever truly understand whatever that Im feeling, whatever that Im going through because they were never in my shoes & I guess, never will be. Different people have different level of endurance, persistence & patience. At th end of th day, th one whos really affected by it is no one but me. Th one who has to go through it, endure it is still me. So I guess, why bother so much about what others has to say?

And just now, something finally came to my head. I dont know how long this will last, whats gonna happen in th future but I guess, like what others say, like what others have foresee, this is something that I really dont deserve. And I know that very well, trust me. Just that I always put that fact aside, because I know very well what I want. And of course, I'll keep working for it because it makes me happy to an extent.

So Ive been thinking & "realise" that maybe, I should really just give this up. So what if Ive been holding on for so long? So what if hes someone that I love dearly? So what if Ive made promises, saying that I wont leave him no matter what, etc? If Im not treated right, then why bother staying? If Im always taken for granted, neglected, then why bother trying so hard? If Im always having to be th one trying to make this work, then whats th point of all these when he dont fucking care? Many have said, maybe hes just doesnt know how to express himself & that, I understand. But it really doesnt make sense if he can flirt around with girls, calling them "sayang" & all those things but when it comes to me, its hard. And it doesnt make sense if he said that he cares or do love me but th times spent on me was so little. Its not fair that he can stay up all night, chatting with someone but earlier on, had wished me goodnight as thought hes gonna tuck in early and me on th other hand, really thought he was already asleep. Its just unfair that he goes around chatting with girls AND asked for their number, then plan for meet ups while me on th other hand, have been waiting for his texts, to just plan something so that we could spend some time together or whatever shit. Really, its just unfair that when it comes to other girls, all th things that Ive been yearning for him to do to me, seems easy. Sometimes, I really wonder if whatever that Ive been doing, is going to be worth it.

And Ive always wished that theres gonna be someone whos gonna pull me away from all these shit, if things were really not supposed to be this way. But I know, I have to help myself first before expecting others to help me.

And looking at another perspective, maybe its easy for him to do that because he just simply dont mean it. He just wants attention & he loves th attention given. But if it includes flirting around, prioritising them over me, then what does that make me? Just a fucking second choice or back up plan. And that, really sucks.

Like he said, we have to come to an understanding to make this work. But it takes two hand to clap. And really, without any mutual trust, its hard. No matter how great, how real my love is, if theres really no trust & honesty, it will never work in th long run.

And I do appreciate that when hes with me or vice versa, nothing else matters. But I guess, if you really love someone, you will not behave nicely only when he / she is around, then totally neglect her when he / she is not there. Its really just not fair & I know, life is never fair.

Having said all these, I guess everything ends here.

You really have no idea how much more Im willing to do for you. Remember when you said youre gonna prove to me that you love me? You did not. Well, you said that you did by not wanting me to go. But maybe, you dont want me to go because Ive always been there for you.

If this is really th end, I dont regret anything because Ive tried my hardest. I really did. But sigh, shit happens.

Ive proven that I did not when you wanted to end everything, etc. But you did. You let me go.

Because I dont know who I am to you & where I stand in your life.

This sucks more than anything else.

:'(

I dont know if I really wanna do this.

Your reply, your decision will determine everything. Hurry up please. Im waiting.

Maybe Ive been following my heart too much, that I lose my mind in th process.

Im done hoping we could work it out.

Theres always that one person that will always have your heart.

My saturday was spent with Syafiq. Well, wasnt a good one initially because of th bullshit & whatever shit that happened th day before. But as usual, I decided to overlook everyth & get it out of my head. And so, he sent & fetched me at BBDC in th morning. Then, accompany me do up my hair @ Snip Avenue afterwards. Th close to 2 hours wait was long enough & I know that somehow, he couldnt wait this long. So I fear that he will start complaining and talk so much & whatever shit. And surprisingly, he did not. Hahaha. Im amazed. :P

Planned to watch a movie that evening, but theres no interesting movies. Even if there are, its alrdy sold out. So, we just chilled at Vivo City. Afterall, its th company that matters right? Haha. And there was a mini firework there, coming from sentosa. It was such a beautiful sight, with us sitting, directly facing where th fireworks are coming from. And he, forever with his "Ah tu da ade fireworks. You tknk berdiri sane, amek gambar? That time tengok pat tv, ni tgk btol pnye." Hahaha annoying shit. I should have taken pictures of it but it didnt cross my mind at all. Anyway, that aside, we spent th rest of th nights chatting & etc, while he on th other hand still multi-tasking (forever with his game). Whats new?

So yeah. Nothing much, but its been a while since we last spent time together this way. And of course, I love it. Thank you for th day.

♥

When I run out of second chances, you give me that look & youre off the hook.

So, where do I begin?

I dont know if its th fact that you told me to leave thats making me feel so "jbdfksbgjsdbgksbgsn", or th fact that youre done trying, so you wanna give it up. After reading what youve texted me, th first thing that came to my mind was "Just what that Ive done thats not enough?" Seriously? If you know with th fact that YOU dont deserve me, then why not just appreciated whatever that Ive done for you, when I chose to be there for you? And say, if you told me to leave just because of that one pathetic reason, that you dont deserve me, then whats th point of me trying so hard all these while, enduring whatever shit that you gave me when I dont deserve them at all? And why cant you just fucking try? Im not saying that Im th best, because Im aware that they're others out there whos better than me. But for th efforts I put in, for th shits that I went through, for everything that I did for you, wasnt that enough? I love you more than I want to, even when I know that Im not supposed to. I stayed more than I should, even though I know that Im not supposed to. And you told me to leave just like that?

This sucks.

Honestly, I dont know what Im feeling right now. Partly, I felt crushed because you just cant see that Im willing to do so much for you. But on th other hand, I kinda waited for this to happen.

Sigh. Help?

:(

I finally understand.

Maybe, I'll give it up this time again. Well, some things are better left unsaid.

Sigh.

No matter what, despite all that Ive done for you, it will always go unappreciated.

Whats new? Still, Im taking it to heart because Im so offended by it. I cared, hoping for th best for you. But what did I get in return? Im not even expecting you to care back as much as I cared for you because somehow, I feel that you dont. And when you dont, you really dont. I dont want any "I care but I just didnt show it" shit. Because if you really do, you will show. So, what now?

I was so scared with th fact that most of th people that I know, whom I used to be close with were already dead, because they were involved in a bike accident. So I texted you, reminding you to just takecare of yourself whenever youre riding since all these accidents are becoming quite frequent. But you didnt see th simple reason behind that text, did you? I did what I did, because I care. Its because Im scared th same thing might happen to you. Not trying to curse, but thats just what I felt. Easier said, I just dont want to lose you over this stupid bike accident shit. True that its all written and if its gonna happen, it will happen. But heck, it doesnt hurt to just take an extra precaution to just be careful. But what do I get i return? Just a "Tu dorg pnye psl, I dont want to know" from you. Seriously?

And remember, when you were having fever few days back? You told me you were feeling giddy & asked me to help you massage your head and I did, till you fall asleep. It was not long after that when I realised that youre running a fever, so I did what I could, putting a cold towel at your forehead & covering you up in blanket, just to make sure that your temperature didnt shoot up. I wanted to be there for you, taking care of you while youre sick. But I couldnt because I already had something on. And I dont know why, but I felt bad, when I couldnt be there for you as much as I want to.

Still, I did not forget th fact that you fetched me despite th fact that youre unwell and for that, I thank you & I really do appreciate it.

But it seems that th nice things that you do, doesnt last. Its like Im th one whos trying to make this work, while you on th other hand did try, but its just not enough. I know that you cant love me as much as I love you, and you couldnt do much for me as much as I could for you. Maybe because of one simple reason, that I love and care for you more. And somehow, this just sucks. I do want to be loved, as much as how Im willing to love someone. But.. I really dont know.

You see, its always these little things that we do that means so much, that proves so much. But its also th littlest things that we do, that hurts more than anything else.

You know, for all that Ive done, I just want to be appreciated. Ive done all that I could and maybe, I can do so much more than this. But if all these doesnt seem to mean anything to you, then what else can I do?

If I were to leave one day, its never gonna be because I dont love you anymore. I know that somehow, I will always do. But its because of you. Youre th one who pushes me away.

Because I know how it feels like to be lied to and th feeling sucks, obviously. And I dont think anyone deserves to be lied to.

Therefore, Im really sorry. Im sorry for bothering more about what youre gonna think of me if I were to tell you th reason honestly. Im sorry that I cancelled it last minute, when I know that everyone is already excited (i think) about this shit.

:(

Well I know when it comes to this, Im never a good friend. Ive never been one, in fact. Eh wait, am I even a friend? Haha. You know, its like expecting / wanting people to be nice to you when on th other hand, you were th one who treat others like shit? Taking them for granted & everything? Yeah.

And I dont know why of all th rest, its you that I feel comfortable with, to apologise to & etc. Yes, we're not that close & I'll never be as close as how you were with th rest. Because somehow, I just feel that I dont fit in. Im forever with my stupid relationship shit & everybody knows if it affects me, it really affects me. And I guess thats just one of th annoying shit that always happen right? And maybe because youre just so easy-going about anything, in spite of all th thinkings that you did, I just felt that youre th most reasonable one. Not saying that th rest are not, but thats just what I felt.

And of course, its nobody's fault but mine. Its because I chose this. Oh well. I guess I'll never be a good friend. Maybe theres just something about me, something about my attitude that will somehow push people away. That sucks, but oh well. Its only life.

*shrugs*

This boy was down with fever yesterday. Rest well and get well soon okay, love!

Nevertheless, enjoyed th last few days with him. Supposed to go Geylang together last week but smth was wrong with his bike. His bike couldnt even move. Spent time at th carpark, trying to fx it but to no avail. And one of th days, teman-ed him tolak his bike from th workshop all th way to his hse. Haha. Semangat sungguh. Anyway, his bike was already okay now so yeah.

Thanks for all th days, still.

Iftar @ Dayana's yesterday. Steamboat! Woowee. Thanks to her mummy for all th preparation & thanks to us for makan-ing. Haha. I didnt eat much though cause Im full easily. Nevertheless, its still yummy and th day was enjoyed.

Two weeks down. Two more weeks to go & its gonna be hari raya! Huhu~

:D

Not feeling it anymore.

Its only 4 plus in th morning right now, yet here I am sobbing my heart out. Whatever that Im feeling now just sucks. Everything sucks.

I hate to keep saying this but its like everything that Ive done, it wont ever be enough. You were unreasonably mad at me cause I was late when youre fetching me just now & it wasnt even for hours! I was like only 10 minutes late, yet there you are acting like youve been waiting for me for hours. And why was I late? I was touching up th little book that I made for you, that I planned to give you as your advanced birthday present. And this is what I get in return? Thanks.

You bring me down in front of your friends, maki-ing me over th phone when I was just helping your cousin with something. And theres no need for that sarcasm when you talk to me. Have you forgotten? Im a human too and whatever you said or did just now, it fucking hurts! I literally ignored you, not replying at all when you were talking. And you were unhappy with me because of that as well? You know better that if I start talking back, it wont end. But it doesnt seem to please you too when I did th otherwise. So, what do you want?

And it fucking disappoint th shit out of me, with th fact that you dont fucking care that I WALK HOME ALONE from wherever that I was from just now, at close to 3 plus in th morning! Seriously? I was disturbed by some mats on a bike & I texted you, telling you that I was disturbed. I called. But when did you get back to me? Close to 2 hours later. I dont wish to talk to you nor tell you what happened because Im just fucking upset, but there you are making things more complicated by telling my brother about this. Really love to make my life difficult eh? You know whats gonna happen if my parents were to find out about this and all you said to me was "SERVE YOU RIGHT!"

WOW. I fucking went home late sometimes to spend some time with you since we're both busy and when this happen, thats all you can say? Instead of comforting me, trying to make me feel better, you chose to bring me down over and over again, just because you were unhappy with what happened with us earlier on? Seriously, thanks ah. _l_