Worst battle: What I know vs. What I feel

I swear whatever that I found out just now was a great blow to me. It hurts so fucking much & I swear, I felt so dumb & used.

Sigh. Just recalling about it makes my heart ache. Inevitable, but Im pretty sure I will get by. After all, he fucked up & its really not my fault.

Why does it always have to be this way? Or probably, this is a sign.

I DESERVE BETTER.

I cant believe it. Five years plus down th drain. Just like that.

People change. Feelings fade.

And this hurts so bad.

I should have known how much of a jerk you are.

Hah. To think that I'd even bother to bring some of th gifts that Ive received last night, just to share it with you. But its okay. I can have them all to myself then. And th best part? I have no fucking idea what or where did I went wrong! Fuck you k! I'll never forget this. Ever.

I know an apology or many apologies wont automatically heal everything. But what makes you think that all these, doesnt even bother me? It hurts me more than you will ever know.
And th sad thing is? You still hold it against me. I should have known.

I wish nothing but th best for you too.

"Whats th point of loving someone, if you cant give your all to her, and make her happy? And to be there for her whenever she needs it?"

Whats th point of you being arnd, when you cant even be there for me when I needed someone th most? To be able to entertain all my silly yet ridiculous thoughts & imagination, as well as insecurities about anyth and everyth? You are so distant. I can have you by my side, but deep down, it feels like youre just so far. Because youre only arnd when youre physically are, and when we're far, you literally are. Sucks isnt it?

You told me that I had an attitude. But do you know where this "attitude" came from? Its from all th insecurities, th doubts not clarified, intuition and expectations. Clearly, you just dont care or even bother about what or how Im feeling because youve never asked. Even when I started to pour out whatever shit that Im feeling inside, most of th time, there'll be no replies from you. Am I supposed to settle for this? Having to go through these on my own, when Im supposed to have "someone" by my side? And you, are th someone who I couldnt even confide in, nor can I share whatever shit that has been happening in my life. Someone who is not even interested to even know about anyth or whatever thats on my mind. And someone whos just isnt there, when I needed him th most. So, if this is how youre gonna be, then whats th point of you being around? Its th same as me, being alone.

Ive ever promised myself that he'll get just one last chance. Fuck up, out you go.

Because clearly, he would rather end this shit, than to tolerate all my nonsense. He decided.

Probably, this is th time.

Maybe you were right. We dont deserve each other eh?
Scary how things change when you least expect it. Sigh.

Because I dont know who I am to you & where I stand in your life.

This sucks more than anything else.

:'(

And I guess Ive been holding on to a dead love all these while. I dont know what to say anymore. I keep saying th same stuffs about knowing what I deserve and what Im gonna do, etc. But I never did walk th talk. I didnt leave like how I said I wanted to. I just cant. You keep coming back no matter how many times you may slip away and I keep letting you in no matter how many times I said I wouldnt.

And whats new now? I sound like a broken record.

And fact is, Im just nothing special to him.

This sucks.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Anyway, was browsing through my pics just now. They are indeed, very much missed. Time passes by so quickly. Hope to see them pretty soon, other than Ain whom I see every working days. Hoho.

[:

How I wished things would have happened so differently. I tried to save it so many times, but you still couldnt see.

Its just unfair how a small misunderstanding can cause you to be so unreasonable. You didnt even try to understand whatever that Im trying to say. Youre still as egoistic as ever. Well, whats new? Surely I dont deserve to be treated this way. No one deserves it. And you should know, Im only human. I have feelings too.

I dont want to try anymore.

I need to save my heart.

Im going through hell.

Please give me th strength that I need.

Can it get any more pathetic than this?

Hello stupid girl.

He fed you lies, he gave you hope. You should have been even stronger & just carry on with what you were doing. But why did you stop? Why did you start to hope again? You know he treated you like trash. You know you deserve even better than this. So why didnt you follow your mind and heart as well? You know whats best for you. Why are you so foolish? Look what happened now. Here you are, crying your heart out but I bet he didnt even care. Then again, why should he? Its not as though he really wants to be with you. Its not as though he sincerely wants you back. He was just toying with you.

Stupid girl, you should have known. Youve seen this coming, so why did you believe him still? Why are you so vulnerable? Why did you even care? Youre not th only girl in his life. He has few others that he can talk to / flirt with other than you. What makes you think youre so special to him? Just because he told you he loves you? Just because youve known each other for 5 years? Just because he told you theres no one else like you & that he loves you only? You are so stupid. You are dumb, seriously. You love him still. So what? He doesnt feel th same towards you & you know that fucking fact. Why are you deceiving yourself then? Face reality will you? Wake up okay? Just come to your senses. One fine day okay Aynn. One fine day.

Any idea how much this hurts? Then again, who cares?

Goodnight people.

Need to get my heart to believe that its over.

Thanks.

Everything will be alright.

I surrender to my broken heart. Its all that I can do.

D':

Another bad day yesterday. Had an unbearable menstrual cramp, since it was my first day. Th pain was so fucking unbearable that I can do nth but just lie down, at th same time crying in pain. Spent quite a number of times going in & out of th toilet, yet theres nth that I did while in there. Pathetic much? Felt so helpless cause theres nth I can do, as much as I want to relieve th pain. Few hours later when it was close to evening, fell asleep & when I wokeup, I felt much better though th pain was still there. I swear I hate this period of th month!

D:

Nevertheless, thankyou Syafiq for being there & tried to make me feel better. Sorry if I was kinda unreasonable & got angry or irritated for no reason. Much appreciated, still. Sayang kamu!

And not forgetting, sorry kitty cat if I was being violent just now. Wasnt intentional though, but youre irritating tahap max. Shall not elaborate much on what Ive done cause its sungguh memalukn. Thinking back, it was rather funny though. Hahaha, nevermind. PMS pnye pasal. Sorry ye, kesian kau tk bersalah. Naseb baek tk kene campak luar tingkap. Hahaha.

Okay, shall end here. Gonna have an exciting day tmrw.

Toodloons peepos.

[: