I guess this time it really is goodbye.

Cause youve made it clear when you say "I dont love you anymore."

Head up, stay strong. Fake a smile, move on.

Yes.

It doesnt hurt me any lesser when I realised what Ive done to you. I really didnt mean to even hurt you. Im so sorry!

Probably, I was th worst thing that ever happened in your life.

I hope that you'll be left with not a single memory of me.

How could you forget one who gave you so much to remember?

Thank you for making my 2011 wonderful & a memorable one, despite th fact that th beginning was very sucky. I guess it has to end th same way as well then? You should know how very happy I am whenever Im with you, when Im next to you. Th happy feeling inside me which goes "yaaaaaaaay!", to know that we're gonna meet. Th teasing, th 'physical abuse', th jokes & laughter. Just everything.

I could never thank you enough & I hope you know that I really appreciate all that youve done for me all these while. Waking up early on days where youre supposed to be resting, just to send me to work. And that was just because I woke up late & which sometimes, I was just plain lazy to take th train / waste more money on cab fares. And I could never thank you enough for troubling yourself to fetch me from work or even wherever that I was at, although sometimes it was to your inconvenience.

Thank you for all th times where you actually tolerated my attitude & ridiculous behaviour. Im pretty sure it has always annoyed th fuck out of you, because thats what happened to me all th time when you did th same. But I guess, you chose not to give a fuck anymore whenever that happens because its easier that way. You dont & wont get affected by it. Easy isnt it?

Thank you for bringing me to places that I wanna go, although you may have been there before. We both know that we still have a list of places to go to, things that we wanna do together, but I guess we just have to forget all about it. It cant, and wont happen anymore. Just not possible, I guess? Sigh.

Despite all these, it kills me to know, to even feel like somehow, theres something missing. I dont know if its just me, that Ive been comparing with others or expecting how things should be like when we're together. Then again, maybe its not me. Maybe youre just too comfortable with how we are now, thus th mindset that you dont need to work anymore. I appreciate all your presence / you spending time with me, but I dont want it to stop just there. Even when we're not physically around, I wanted to feel like I could depend on you anytime, anywhere when I need it even if its over th littlest things. I should be thankful that theres still phone calls every now and then, but I hated how we stopped texting unless theres really something. What happened to th times where you just texted for nothing, just to ask how I was or what am I doing? Its still th thought that counts, because atleast it shows that I crossed your mind. It sucks, but its really a fact that one does stop doing th things that they did back then, when they tried to get someone. Harsh reality, yes? But I guess to you, its just too much to ask for. However, I am very thankful that when Im around you, its really just me. As in texts or whatever from any other girls will be entertained later on, which is I guess, a basic respect.

In all honesty, although I feel that I loved you more than you love me, I couldnt recall what Ive done for you. Maybe because I knew how much Ive done for you back then, like going all th way over to your school to wait for your training to end, etc. And precisely. That was back then. A thing of a past. But right now, this "new chapter", when we have managed to somehow fix things & got better together, when I think back, I really have to question myself if Ive done as much as youve done for me. Maybe not as much because I know how it'll always go unappreciated. In other words, 'once bitten, twice shy', sort of? Also, probably because of all endurance / perseverance / patience that Ive went through, just to hold on to this, it may seemed that my love is greater than yours. Maybe I just didnt realise that on my side, Ive taken you for granted as well & somehow, became more demanding. I expected a lot from you & feel that its okay to do that, simply because I wanted to see if you could make an exception for me, though it may wear you out. But I guess, people get tired one day & want to try something new / different. I do get tired as well, from all these holding on & expectations which at times, leads to disappointment. And its our fault. Mine, for expecting too much & yours, for giving me hope.

I'll definitely miss you & all th things that we used to do together. I'll miss how you'll always piggy back me down th stairs. I'll miss how you'll finish my food / drinks when you told me you only wanted some of it. I'll miss how we'll put our strength to test & wrestle each other (which you gave in to me most of th times because clearly, youre way stronger than I am). I'll miss how you'll buy food for me, just because I said I wanted to eat them. I'll miss how you'll randomly mess up my hair, just because you felt like doing so although you know very well how I dislike it. I'll miss plucking th hairs on your legs, just because I feel like doing so and you, wont even get mad at me though it hurts a tiny weeny bit. I'll miss sleeping on your chest, with our fingers interlocking one another's. You should know how safe, as well as happy I felt, whenever you hugged me tight. All your snorings which annoys th fuck out of me at times, yet I could still sleep soundly despite them all, it goes in th list too. I'll miss all th ugly faces you'll always make just to irritate th shit out of me, though sometimes, I felt that you still look okay with them. I'll miss how you always make me smile / laugh no matter how hard I tried to stay angry with you & vice versa. I'll miss you, Syafiq.

I could go on & on when it comes to this. Bottomline is, I'll miss you. So much & more than anything.

Its either one of us will regret that this happened, or we'll be glad that it did. I guess we decided to stop trying, probably because we both knew its just another cycle. Though you didnt say a word, at all, which upsets th fuck out of me because I hated when that happens, where Im blabbering whatever that Im feeling out yet you chose to ignore all that completely, Im still gonna thank you because maybe, you just wanna make things easy for us. So yeah. I hope we'll both be happy, though we both know its not easy. But if its not gonna work out anymore, then why even bother wasting our time trying?

I hope you'll be happy, just like how you always are. And I know you will be.

Talk about our future like we had a clue.

In th end? Whats all these? Hah.

It hurts like crazy.

Not going to wish you well. Who cares anyway?

Just remember. If he can do this to me, what makes you think he cant do th same to you? But if th opposite happens, then good for you okay.

You broke all your promises. Yes, every single one of them. Thanks.

Semakin terserlah kesialanmu. Maintain okay.

\m/

Because currently, Im just unhappy and sad & just frustrated with everything. Its like youre really showing me whats my worth in your life & again, its simply nothing. I know & I really know, just that I cant accept this fucking fact, after all that had happened between us & after all that we've been through. So its my fault? Yes.

And if youre wondering, yes, I knew about it. Its th first thing that I know when I wokeup this morning & can you imagine what Im feeling? Was getting ready to go to work & all these just had to spoil my mood & everything and thus, th emotional breakdown. 5 pm till morning eh, tell me what can you two possibly do in a park? Having only each other around, tell me what is not possible? But Im even more disappointed in you cause it was your off day, yet you didnt even mention anything to me. From th day that you started working there, Ive been looking forward to your day off cause I was dying to spend th day with you. You ended work late everytime anyway, so I guess theres no time for me? Yes, Im having my attachment now & Im not free until evening, but theres always malam right? Its not as though youre not used to going out at night & come back home till late in th morning. And its just so heart-wrenching to know that you went out with her for arnd 8 fucking hours on th first day off that you have. Awesome much? When it comes to me, I will be like wanting to go here or there & you'll be like "jauh la. boring la." and all th whatever bullshit that you can come up with. Wahh, Labrador Park is VERY near right?

And you. I know who you are. I know how you will act around guys. And I know how "miang" you are. But you do know me. You do know who he is to me & you fucking know th fact that Im not over him still & I still fucking love him. So whats all these? There are many other guys around. Why him? I know youre dying, wanting to ride a bike. I know. But dont you think this is just... Sigh. Im just being unreasonable now. Who am I to him? Nothing. So I cant control who he wanna go out with right? Its his life, his freedom. He have every right to do so.

Really, sometimes I wish that you will just die. True that I'll be more emotionally disturbed than what I am now because you will be gone & never coming back, but at least I'll have a reasonable reason to be sad about anything that has got to do with you. Unlike now, which are just so unreasonable & petty of me. And at least, no other girls can have you other than me. Yes, I am that selfish. As much as others dislike it, I hate it even more.

Though I rant everywhere, be it here or at twitter, I know there will be times where I will go against my words because most of th time, my emotions took control of what Im feeling at th moment. Then again, does it even matter anyway? Cause at least, Im speaking my mind. On top of all these hoohaa, there are only 2 things that Ive been yearning for all these while ;

To be strong & to be happy.

Sadly, these two are nowhere near right now. So I guess I just have to live with it. And yes, I need to learn to face it. Face all these shits that has been happening in my life.

And most importantly,

Sadly, that time of th month is here again & I swear Im in fucking pain right now. Miserable much? Theres nth much that I can do to ease th pain cause Ive been like going in & out of th toilet for like belasan times? Its like there something that I want to kluakn from my stomach, yet nothing is coming out. Ended up vomiting for no reason & I guess that my stomach just wanna throw something out, by any means. I still have th urge to go th toilet every now and then, and I have no choice but to just go, even if it means that I'll be just sitting on th toilet bowl, waiting for something to happen for god knows how long.

Obviously, I havent had any sleep since yesterday night cause my gum / th wisdom tooth area was in pain, therefore I cant sleep a wink cause I was kinda affected by it. And around 4-ish plus in th morning, found out that my period came. Though I was happy cause theres no need for me to fast, this is not what I wanted. I know I should have expected it since this always happen to me on my first day of menstruation. But having to suffer / endure it once every month is totally unfair. Not as though th pain was there for a while, but it can drag for hours. Sometimes I wonder why am I th one getting all these when some others can have their period normally? I know this is normal too, but if th cramp that I had was rather mild, then theres nth much to say uh. But mine being kinda severe to th extend that I cant even lie down still for even 5 minutes, like what th fuck can? It hurts so much to th extend that I can just cry while trying to bear with th pain.

Tell me what else can I do, seriously. I did consider trying to go for a check up to see whats wrong, but Im afraid that it will be a waste of money if th doctor only prescribe me with some medicine that I wont eat. Not because I dont want to, but I really cant. Serious shit. Id rather be injected for I-dont-care-how-many-times, rather than having to swallow all those nonsensical medicine. I see no purpose in doing so if whenever I tried, I'll just end up vomiting everything out. And bottomline? I didnt even swallow th pill. -.-

If it will hurt this much, then I dont even want to have a baby in th future. Someone told me that it will hurt more than what Im feeling now. Tsk. And if anyone thinks or feels that im exaggerating, then fuck you. You have no idea what it feels like & you dont know what Im going through. It may seem to you like "Alaa, cramp only". Try being in my shoes & we shall see if you can still smile while your womb area feels like it was being squeezed from th inside, with th muscle or whatsoever contracting continuously. Hah.

I seriously hope that this wont last long, though I know that it will continue for like a few more hours. And I guess theres nth much that I can do, other than to just bear with it. I swear, I hate period cramp more than anything in th world right now. And if theres anything that I can choose not to have in this world, then I'll choose for us females not having to endure or bear with this shit. But I guess on th other hand, it just show how strong we are? Cause Mike told me that guys cant really endure something as painful as this. So yeah? Thanks anyway for trying to cheer me up, though you did not succeed. Haha. See, Im being honest here atleast. Hahaha. I do feel rather paiseh _____ in front of you just now, though not literally. But what telah happen cant be undone I guess?

Nevertheless, The Expandables is fucking awesome. Another must watch movie, provided that youre already above 18. Im not in th mood to like really 'promote' this movie but yeah, just watch laa. Worth your money & time if you like action movie. Im dont really like action movie but seriously, this movie is really great.

[:

And for once, I think that my mum rocks. Hahaha.

Toodloons peepos.

& I'll miss everything about you.

:(

Idk what th fuck do you want from me. But first, I guess I must thank you for all th hurtful things that you said to me moments ago. If your aim was to make me saket hati or whatever shit, congratulations. You have succeed.

:D

To get that kind of bullshit from someone who matters alot to me which is you, is really smth I did not expect. Not in th publicity of everyone else, atleast. But whats done cant be undone right? So yeah, thanks alot for it was greatly appreciated.

It seems like you do enjoy letting your imagination run wild & accuse me of smth I never did eh? Just what is it that I did or with me that always make you feel or react that way? Seems normal to you cause I doubt you even care. But its fucking unfair to me. When will you stop being so cold. I hate this fucking attitude of yours. And you should know cause Ive told you before that I really hate it. But nth have changed it seems. So, whatever.

I am fucking down now, serious shit. I must be a weakling, since small matters like that can affect me this much. What can I say? Its all redundant cause you can never stop hurting me unless I no longer have any feelings for you.

Tsk, forget it. Just say whatever you like.

But I love you still, thats for sure.
♥

Yeayo.

Kinda long day yesterday.

In th morning, theres a swatch amazing race thingy held at Bugis & a group of us were basically helpers / volunteers there.

Was kinda okaay, cause theres nth much for us to do actually.

Spent time doing nth, other than being in charge for th lunch with other 4 people.

At arnd 143o plus, th event ended & off we go.

& oh, we th volunteers get a free watch, which can be redeemed March onwards. Cool shit kn?

Salin menyalin & stuffs, then head to arcade to meet up with th rest.

Da terlanjur dalam arcade, obviously maen laa kn. Hahah. I lost to Dayana bile kite maen Mario Race thingy. (Step kiud only eh?)

Then played Silent Hill which was kinda boring cause th gun no good. And not forgetting, House Of The Dead 4. I loike!

:D

Tash & Mard went off some time later. So Dayana & I & the guys walked to th Esplanade area thingy.

Hazmi entertained us by "jeng jeng jeng-ing" & some other noise or sound effect that he made. Hahah, funny or what. But thanks for th entertainment though.

Arnd 6 plus gitu, off we go to Marina to mencekik. Done with that, th guys head home while Dayana & I went to Bugis.

Shishaaaaa with Atikos, Hafiz, Syamil & Shaypa.

Played some Truth game. Result? Tsk tsk tsk. Dahsyat eh korg. *kening up down*

Hahah. And as of yesterday, I lost my straight-ness cause I kissed a girl which was Atikos, & Shaypa kissed me. Hahah, aiyoi.

Arnd 213o plus gitu, trained back home.

Dropped pat Pioneer cause thought of singgah-ing th JWPS'o4 bbq thingy, since Im gg to my cousin's hse anw. So, walked all th way there & halfway, Asri fetched me cause I wasnt that sure about th location.

Felt awkward laa seriously when I reached there cause its been a long time since I last saw them. And pat sane, boleh tahan ramai org jugak laa yg ade.

Spent most of th time playing card games & chit chat with people.

Arnd 3 plus gitu, around 16 of us went to Yunnan Park which is full of ants. Irritating or what?

Changed plan, so head to Jurong Stadium's badminton court which was fucking dark. I was scared laa obviously, lemah semangat laa kn. Hee.

They all feeling feeling nk record what can be heard & stuffs. End up theres nth. Hahah.

Since theres nth they can discover, went back lorr.

Some went back to th pit & some went to some area to lepak.

I went back to th pit laa obviously. And upon arrival, th people who were already at th pit was playing dunno-what game, which involved kissing. Doesnt matter, girl-girl / boy-boy / girl-boy. Like what th fuck?

Thank god I didnt join cause its like super disgusting? I know its just a game but what th heck, Im straight. And I dont go arnd kissing just anyone anw.

My 2 younger sibling were also arnd. And someone was like saying this to my younger brother, "Eh join laa. Best tau boleh cium cium org. Gerek."

Wtf, desperate or what? Sumpah tk perlu sia. And th person always step gerek. Crap much?

-.-

I cant remember much what happened next cause for all I know, I was already so damn sleepy.

And I walked to dunno what blok & sleep at th void deck there. Tkle angkat man. Hahah.

Arnd 7 plus gitu, some had breakfast while my siblings & I with some others head home.

Tired much? Yes.

Still, I only had 5 hours of sleep. Heheh.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

I cant pretend I dont care when you dont think about me.
From my intuition & stuffs, I guess youre no longer interested.
You dont even care & I doubt you even think of me.
I guess in th end, I'll still lose you anw. Its just a matter of time.
D:

Tell me another lie.

Thanks eh. I love doing / feeling this way.

Sedih sungguh.

D:

Im longing for words to describe how Im feeling.

='(