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Beautiful Disaster

confide in your love

and always trust your heart.

Monday, June 18, 2012

When it comes to love, we're blinded. | Go to post ➜

Putting up with your fucked up attitude, you making th same mistakes over and over again despite th countless of times I have been telling you & th rest of th shit that you did behind my back without me knowing. Enough of a torture for me? Ive told myself that I would be there for you through it all, although I know how difficult you can be.  And its okay, because I will keep trying. I want to help you, because people dont give up on th person they love, do they? Sadly, youve really crossed th limit yesterday. You can be th most fucked up person here, doing th most fucked up thing or even abuse me emotionally & mentally. But I wont and dont tolerate physical abuse! Im not your fucking punching bag, for you let out few punches on just because you were enraged! You deserve that fucking slap from me in th first place because Im not a robot! And whats my ONE SLAP on your face, compared to your TWO PUNCHES on me? Along with th grabbing & such? Did I leave any marks on your face? Fucking no! And I dont deserve to be shouted at right in my face! I dont deserve to be dragged from wherever & pinned against th wall, with you hurting me on purpose despite me telling you how hurtful it was! I dont deserve to be a victim of your reckless riding. You do know how afraid I was yesterday when you rode that way. I shouted, but you ignored me on purpose & even make it worst! What bullshit is that? Are you happy now that Im all bruised up because of you? You should be. You love to see me getting hurt, dont you? So, your wish is granted.

Th heart here hurts more than th physical pain that youve inflicted on me. It hurts so so much. It hurts more than you can ever imagine. I just couldnt believe that you would ever do this to me. Seriously, how could you? How could you ever bring yourself to hurt someone who loves you dearly, who would do anything for you despite th shits that youve done over th years, who forgave you for you every single stupid mistake youve made? How stupid can you be? Its tiring to be crying over and over again, recalling about what youve done because it hurts that much. I would love to tell th whole world about what youve done to me. I could've just tell my brothers about this & you'll definitely get what you deserve. But Im not going to. Why? Because you dont hurt th person you love, do you? Yes, you deserve to be beaten up in return but will I be happy to see you get hurt? Will I be happy to see you get all bruised up? No. Youve had enough problems up your sleeve & I wouldnt want to add them on. So I'll guess I'll just leave it as it is.

Nevertheless, thank you for trying to "fix" th bruise. Ironic how youre th one who causes th pain, yet youre still th one putting ice pack / balm / warm water on it & massaging it, in attempt to make it less hurtful. But th damage has alrdy been done, didnt it?
I really hope that you would change. You have a brain to think. Use it. If theres anything that you should regret, then you should really regret losing me. Because Im not gonna tolerate any of your shits anymore. Simply because th moment you lay your hands on me, youre as good as a stranger to me. All th best to you.

Maybe our relationship isnt as crazy as it seems. Maybe thats what happens when a tornado meets a volcano.

All I know is I love you too much, to walkaway though.

14:31

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Cause when its good, its going great but when its bad, its awful. | Go to post ➜


Lunch, movie, dinner & shisha with Syafiq yesterday, along with his friends (for th shisha part).
Loved th company, enjoyed th time. So thank you for th day!
:)

Its like knowing youre in this horrible relationship thats doing you so much more harm than good,  but you love them , so you stay, because it hurts too much to leave. Its too hard to do.

Realise that I have this habit of walking off when Im mad / upset, but I guess thats not th wisest thing to do at times. Things could have different if I were to just stay calm & listen to whatever that needs to be listened to, instead of walking away just like that. But I guess that might be better, since I wouldnt want to just "explode" right there, in front of everyone else.
I honestly dont understand any of these anymore. We both know that we're not together, but where certain things are concerned, it somehow affects us? Th things that we used to do, we're still doing it now. Like having me to choose what youre gonna wear when we're going out / wearing th same coloured clothes, etc. Its like nothing changes. True that we're probably more flexible now, but sometimes, this just doesnt feel right.
And to be wanting to "leave" each other when we're not even together, how is that even possible? Maybe we're confused. Maybe we're still searching. Maybe we're still waiting for an answer or some changes to happen, so that we can finally decide what we really want & meanwhile, we're just settling for this just because we're used to this, so things were a little bit easier. Probably.


I dont know if I should be glad that th same shit happened, which simply means that Im already used to it, which means that I would already know how it feels like to be going through that again, or be upset that its repeating over & over again. And I dont understand whats so hard about admitting to th "mistakes" that you did. Okay, not so much of a mistake cause nothing was going on in th first place. But to just admit that you lied & with th fact that Ive found out th truth, is there even a need to keep lying? I dont need you to keep denying & lying to make me feel good, because honestly, Id rather that you tell me th truth instead, even if its gonna hurt. Afterall, its just a matter of time that Im gonna find out whatever that youre trying to hide from me (which most of th time, you cant cause I'll always find out.). Even as friends, if you cant be straight up with your honesty, then how? How to expect me to even trust you in th long run, knowing that you have this tendency to lie over th littlest things, that could have been brushed off if you were to tell me th truth in th first place?


Seriously, why make things difficult when this mess could've been avoided, if you were to think thoroughly before making any decision? Think of how it would affect others or make other people feel, and if you'd like it if th same happened to you? Whats so hard about that?
Oh well, I guess theres nothing left to be said cause all will just be another repeat of whatever that Ive said before. Just when I thought I wouldnt be sad anymore because things were going on so well, this happened. Like they said, expect th unexpected eh? Hah.


"Can you see yourself happy without him?"

11:28

Yours Truly.

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Aynn J, 19.
Single, not available.

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