Here I go again.

Yesterday was one emotional day for me, cause I decided to end a "relationship" that obviously mean so much to me. It hurts to just decide to do it, but it hurts even more when th decision was already made & told. So as usual, not much reaction from him & I guess he was pretty unhappy about it. What makes he think that Im so happy that I decide to do this then? But oh well, it already happened & I guess, theres no turning back, as much as I always do.

A friend gave her opinion about this whole thing & I admit, its nice to have someone to just share with me about whatever that she has been observing, etc. I know how annoying this whole thing is, how ridiculous it may be at times but Im just fighting for my happiness. It doesnt make sense to just give it all up just because someone or whoever was annoyed with me for being real, for being who I am. If it makes them happy that I finally keep my mouth shut, keep my opinions all to myself, and if Im going to bother so much about what others think, then whos gonna care about whatever that Im feeling, whatever that I need?

You know, sometimes Im just helpless. But it doesnt matter, cause no one will ever truly understand whatever that Im feeling, whatever that Im going through because they were never in my shoes & I guess, never will be. Different people have different level of endurance, persistence & patience. At th end of th day, th one whos really affected by it is no one but me. Th one who has to go through it, endure it is still me. So I guess, why bother so much about what others has to say?

And just now, something finally came to my head. I dont know how long this will last, whats gonna happen in th future but I guess, like what others say, like what others have foresee, this is something that I really dont deserve. And I know that very well, trust me. Just that I always put that fact aside, because I know very well what I want. And of course, I'll keep working for it because it makes me happy to an extent.

So Ive been thinking & "realise" that maybe, I should really just give this up. So what if Ive been holding on for so long? So what if hes someone that I love dearly? So what if Ive made promises, saying that I wont leave him no matter what, etc? If Im not treated right, then why bother staying? If Im always taken for granted, neglected, then why bother trying so hard? If Im always having to be th one trying to make this work, then whats th point of all these when he dont fucking care? Many have said, maybe hes just doesnt know how to express himself & that, I understand. But it really doesnt make sense if he can flirt around with girls, calling them "sayang" & all those things but when it comes to me, its hard. And it doesnt make sense if he said that he cares or do love me but th times spent on me was so little. Its not fair that he can stay up all night, chatting with someone but earlier on, had wished me goodnight as thought hes gonna tuck in early and me on th other hand, really thought he was already asleep. Its just unfair that he goes around chatting with girls AND asked for their number, then plan for meet ups while me on th other hand, have been waiting for his texts, to just plan something so that we could spend some time together or whatever shit. Really, its just unfair that when it comes to other girls, all th things that Ive been yearning for him to do to me, seems easy. Sometimes, I really wonder if whatever that Ive been doing, is going to be worth it.

And Ive always wished that theres gonna be someone whos gonna pull me away from all these shit, if things were really not supposed to be this way. But I know, I have to help myself first before expecting others to help me.

And looking at another perspective, maybe its easy for him to do that because he just simply dont mean it. He just wants attention & he loves th attention given. But if it includes flirting around, prioritising them over me, then what does that make me? Just a fucking second choice or back up plan. And that, really sucks.

Like he said, we have to come to an understanding to make this work. But it takes two hand to clap. And really, without any mutual trust, its hard. No matter how great, how real my love is, if theres really no trust & honesty, it will never work in th long run.

And I do appreciate that when hes with me or vice versa, nothing else matters. But I guess, if you really love someone, you will not behave nicely only when he / she is around, then totally neglect her when he / she is not there. Its really just not fair & I know, life is never fair.

Having said all these, I guess everything ends here.

You really have no idea how much more Im willing to do for you. Remember when you said youre gonna prove to me that you love me? You did not. Well, you said that you did by not wanting me to go. But maybe, you dont want me to go because Ive always been there for you.

If this is really th end, I dont regret anything because Ive tried my hardest. I really did. But sigh, shit happens.

Ive proven that I did not when you wanted to end everything, etc. But you did. You let me go.