Thursday, December 17, 2009 I do realise that things between us werent th same anymore. As in theres not much talking between us & stuffs. Communication breakdown I guess? And Ive told you before, you should be expecting this. And so, Ive just read someone's post about th situation that I used to be in th last time, which really left me speechless. I swear, Im fucking shock with all that she had wrote down. I know th blog is where she express all her anger & her feelings. But it made me feel like Im really that bad, when I dont think that Im that melampau. What th heck kn? I know th situation that I was in better than you do. I mean youre just another person, who have your own views about all that had happened. Ultimately, Im th one who is going through all these difficult times. Fuck, Im really in a dilemma okaay. Things werent that easy for me either. So what makes you think that I even enjoy doing all this? For every time that I 'used' him, I do feel guilty. I do know that I shouldnt even be doing that in th first place. But heck, I guess I just need someone. If he can understand that, why cant you? You know how my past was like. You know how very close I was with S. You know how I enjoy very much my time with him. So what if he has made me cry? So what if he had hurt me many times? In th end, its th time that I spent with him where Im th happiest. At times, I do have doubt about whether what Im doing now is right or stuffs. But if that made me th happiest, why not continue doing so kn? Call me stupid or selfish or whatsoever, I dont care. Cause ultimately its my life that Im living. You mentioned about not opening my heart & try to accept him. How can I when Im not even over S a single bit? Its been 1 years plus & counting, and here I am still in contact with him. What makes you think that its so easy? If it were, da lame okaay I got over him. And do you think that I'll be happy if I accepted him, yet my heart was with someone else? Its not even fair to him in th first place. Mane lagi rabak? Not giving him any more hopes though it may hurt but atleast he can move on slowly, or just leading him on and kasi false hope banyak banyak and when in th end when he learns about th truth, it hurts even more? I dont even ask for all this to happen in th first place. I dont even want anyone to even like or fall for me or whatsoever cause things will never be fair. Ive told him in advance what to expect from me but if he insist, what can I do? End up im th one whos affected by all these when I know Im not supposed to. Fuck everything can? If it were other guys, it would have been so easy for me to just ignore all these & not feel anything despite knowing th fact that he had been 'used'. And I know you know how indifferent I am to other guys, so I doubt it ever happens anyway. But not you. I guess youre really kind at heart & its really not fair for you having to go through all these. I know youve tried. I know that youre sincere in trying to make me happy & stuffs. But cant you see, it just doesnt work out this way. I know this will somehow make a impact on your emotions. So whatever that youre feeling after youve read this, Im sorry okaay. Sighhhhhh. I really got lots on my mind but I just dunno how to put them into words. See how complicated my life is now? If only it were as simple as before, kn best. And no, Im not blaming you. Like youve said, some things are just unexplainable. And that, I understand. ... Like you, Im just expressing myself & let out everything thats on my mind. So, no offence yaw. [=  Labels: Im sorry but this wasnt easy |
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