Whatever You Like

Getting clear.

2012-01-25T23:26:00.002+08:00

Feels like Im losing you.

Or probably, Ive lost.

Why?

2012-01-22T00:26:00.002+08:00

Just because th relationship ended, doesnt mean th feelings did.

I love you th same, still.

I know I betrayed, but Im made to ignore the universe when I see you. Cause every night th stars will shine, verging into U-turns times.

Time to wake up.

2012-01-17T23:54:00.004+08:00

So, I managed to pull through th past few days though it wasnt easy. But at times, I questioned myself. How long am I going to do this & remain this way?

Taking a long walk from wherever really helps, especially at times where Ive got lots of things on my mind. Those answers that I need to find, doubts not clarified & simply anyth else that occupies my mind at that point of time. I dont know why, but I kept wondering. How can one expect another to "chase / stay" when they are th ones who walkaway? I know in this case, action speaks louder than words. But what if, its not really how people expect things to be? Does it even make sense to stay / chase after th one who chose to leave? And if one still matters, why leave? Does not chasing / staying really means that th person no longer care? What if th person is simply hurt by all these? Obviously, these thoughts have been on my mind for th past hours. Then it struck me, how can I even expect him to chase / stay, during th times where I was th one who chose / decide to leave? It can either mean he really doesnt care, or he was just hurt by that, thus it might be better to leave things as it is. Th reason why all these suddenly crossed my mind was because I realised that th moment he decided to leave, th first thing on my mind automatically was to try as hard as I could, to make him stay. But I guess theres still a limit to one's patience & endurance. It was okay initially, but I guess after th constant pushing away & several "I dont want you anymore", this has got to stop.

If this is a test, I guess I failed. But I just dont want to do all these anymore. Why even bother to try when obviously, its no longer worth it?

So, I guess this is it. All th memories & future plans, burn. Well of course, we plan but th one whos gonna decide th outcome will be Him. And I believe this is for th best.

Deep down, I kinda hate th way he left. Putting th blame on me & making it sound like Im th bad one. But whats new? Th bad things that one has done will always be remembered more than th good / memorable / happier ones. Thats how it works, I guess? All it takes was one mistake, then poof. All gone, just like that.

And Im sorry that Im not around, like how I said I will be & as badly as I want to. Youre not making anything easy for me, so I guess its better to do it your way. But I know youre gonna recover well. Thats all that matters anyway.

Go on, boy. I'll be fine.

Slowly, but surely.

2012-01-15T11:02:00.004+08:00

‎"Let him go for the moment. Let him see the world without you around."

If he doesnt come back, then I'll let go for good.

Not easy, but its not impossible either.

Starting over.

2012-01-14T00:55:00.003+08:00

Head up, stay strong. Fake a smile, move on.

It has been a rough road. Just let it go.

2012-01-12T18:11:00.006+08:00

Erase the messages, delete the numbers & move on. You dont have to forget them, but just accept that they arent that person anymore.

I cant believe it. Five years plus down th drain. Just like that.

People change. Feelings fade.

And this hurts so bad.

Enough.

2012-01-11T19:36:00.000+08:00

Yes.

Missed you so.

2012-01-10T15:44:00.001+08:00

Because you have no idea how much Im missing you right now.

We're lost in th crowd.

2012-01-08T10:48:00.003+08:00

I can feel us drifting apart. Seems like everything just doesnt feel th same anymore. No more efforts, coming from both sides. Just nothing.

Now what? Let it all come crashing down? Probably.

2012-01-03T01:14:00.001+08:00

Accept and let go. Never easy, but just suck it up.

Next to you

2012-01-01T11:14:00.003+08:00

Hospital bed. Yeap, thats where I was at during th last few minutes of 2011. Didnt get to watch live fireworks this year although I could if I decided not to be here with you, but its okay. Its my choice. Furthermore, whats th point of watching th fireworks when youre so far away from me? I'd rather watch it at th tv, next to you. Just like th National Day.

Done with 2011 & it wasnt an easy year, honestly. But Im glad that Ive managed to pull through all these shits. Not hoping much for this brand new year. As a start, I just hope I could be a better person & learn to do things without expectations. And I'll be more than glad if Ive managed to accomplish it.

On a different note, been spending th night at th hospital so that I could accompany him through th night & assist him whenever he needs it. Nothing hard, but this is really my first time doing all these. Sometimes, it seems like I could have done better than this because I can be really clueless, dont know what to do & things like that. Useless much? I dont even know how to comfort / console him when hes in so much pain, enduring whatever that he needs to, and Im like just standing there watching him. It feels so.. sigh. Whatever that word is. Haha. Right now, theres nothing that I want more than for him to recover fast. There are times where I caught him staring into space, probably thinking about whatever that he dont wish to tell me, as much as I want to know. Its okay. Like Ive said countless of times, things will get better & youre gonna be fine. You will recover, you will heal. Th scars will remain there, but I hope this is a lesson learnt.

And th hardest thing about all these? Is to do it sincerely, without any expectations. At all.

:(

2011-12-30T12:36:00.004+08:00

Whatever that happened last night / earlier on hurts like a bitch. No, it hurts more than that, but definitely cant be compared to th pain that Ive inflicted on you. Th physical, mental & emotional pain, or any other kind of pain possible. And Ive said this over & over again, but I wont stop. Its clear enough that I cant stop but to blame myself for all that had happened & youre doing th same as well. To know how much you hate me for landing you in this state really feels like having a knife stabbing right through my heart for countless of times. It hurts. Its killing me. I know youre not gonna forgive me because I know how fucking mad you are with me right now, but look, Im really sorry. If theres anything that I could do to make it all up to you, I'll be more than glad to do so. Theres nth that I want more than for you to be well just like before, all happy & cheeky, just like how you always are. But I know things wont be th same anymore because these will definitely leave a deep scar & youre gonna get reminded of it over and over again, then youre probably gonna start blaming me for all these shit, and th cycle just go on. How could you even live around someone who has hurt you so deep?

Still, I will try my best. Its gonna hurt like hell, you pushing me away every single time & youre probably gonna act like I dont even exist. But its okay. Until youre well, Im not going anywhere.

I hope that your op will go on smoothly. Please stay strong just like how you always are. I know youre gonna be fine. InsyaAllah, you'll recover fast. Take care, please.

I dont understand you.

2011-12-27T22:16:00.002+08:00

Just last night, you told me that you wanted us to be just friends. Nothing more. Which I believed, that you have been telling me since I dont know when, but just that my mind couldnt really process that info or probably, I just dont want to accept th fact. Yes, that was harsh. Th truth hurts, but its okay. I thought, we should probably do it your way. Maybe we would have discover something different then. So with that, I thought, I should probably treat you th same way as I did to any other. Th same level of attention. In other words, youre no longer a priority. Well, Im just a friend to anyway, right? Therefore, a friend I shall be.

Anyway, I decided to be honest & tell you that I went jogging with my sister's friend just now, which happens to be a guy. Not that hes someone that I just knew or whatever. Hes my younger sibling's schoolmate, as well as my ITE mate. And not to forget, hes attached as well. Not as though I dont know my limit. He is just a friend. Period.

Your reaction. I dont know if I should be mad or surprised or aloof about it. You sounded rather unhappy I guess, since you hung up on me a couple of times though Ive called again and again. Texts werent even replied, so I think youre mad, yes? Haha. And based on that reaction, I assume youre just jealous then, which is kinda a happy thing for me because it simply shows that you still care. Honest, I was confused with everything but I guess action speaks louder than words. Still, Im glad you didnt ignore me completely because if you do, its really unreasonable of you to do so. Im just a friend, afterall. You wanted this. So why th jealousy / insecurities, if theres even any? Still, whatever.

Youre so fickle-minded. Make up your mind.

Enough is enough.

2011-12-23T20:39:00.003+08:00

I should have known how much of a jerk you are.

Hah. To think that I'd even bother to bring some of th gifts that Ive received last night, just to share it with you. But its okay. I can have them all to myself then. And th best part? I have no fucking idea what or where did I went wrong! Fuck you k! I'll never forget this. Ever.

Talk about th future like we had a clue.

2011-12-18T21:24:00.007+08:00

Because nothings greater than th rush that comes with your embrace.

Just when I thought that yesterday gonna be th last that we'll ever meet, things change. Dinner @ BBQ Chicken, followed by aimless riding through th busy town (with you & your cheeky behaviour, always), then finally settling down at Marina Bay Sands. With you to lean on, we talked about anything & everything throughout th windy night, witnessing th passing clouds every now and then. Such serenity.

To be waking up in your arms after a long & tiring day is just amazing. Love th way you brush away th hair on my face while Im asleep & th way you go "abeh you tknk hug me?" just to get a hug from me / get us cuddling before you sleep. And th look in your eyes & that smile, followed by th hugs & kisses despite th fact that we're both were freshly up from our sleep. Yes, shower-less & me, probably looking like a maid. But you not minding all that? Such contentment.

I wish we could do this everyday. Not now or anytime soon, definitely. But like you said, probably in 3 years' time where we would have a definite status, then another few years where we would officially belong together. InsyaAllah. Thinking far, yes? Something that we would work towards to but ultimately, time will tell.

Nevertheless, thank you for th day / night. Thank you for your time. Thank you for everything. We both have our own flaws, but youre still wonderful just like how you always are. I love you, Syafiq.

I should have known.

2011-12-17T09:56:00.003+08:00

I know an apology or many apologies wont automatically heal everything. But what makes you think that all these, doesnt even bother me? It hurts me more than you will ever know.
And th sad thing is? You still hold it against me. I should have known.

Nobody's perfect.

2011-12-14T18:23:00.003+08:00

Had a long chat with Ain last night over dinner & so many things spilled out. Thought of keeping it to myself, other than whatever thats already on Twitter but I guess I just cant help it. I guess it did made me feel way better, because Ive finally let out whatever inside & there's another person's point of view regarding whatever shit that happened th day before. I guess, both Syafiq & I made a mistake. We both did, but I messed up more. So many things that she said still lingers in my mind, which made me determine to fix things & make it right, just like how it was before. Furthermore, I already know what and how he was like, how his attitude and character is, so I should have known better how to react right? But what if, hes not giving me that chance? Whatever it is & no matter whats gonna happen in th future, I first, must forgive myself for whatever that happened that night.

Th price I have to pay.

2011-12-12T23:39:00.004+08:00

It doesnt hurt me any lesser when I realised what Ive done to you. I really didnt mean to even hurt you. Im so sorry!

Probably, I was th worst thing that ever happened in your life.

I hope that you'll be left with not a single memory of me.

Regrets and mistakes, they are memories made.

Never thought that one day I'd be losing you.

2011-12-11T20:31:00.007+08:00

How could you forget one who gave you so much to remember?

Thank you for making my 2011 wonderful & a memorable one, despite th fact that th beginning was very sucky. I guess it has to end th same way as well then? You should know how very happy I am whenever Im with you, when Im next to you. Th happy feeling inside me which goes "yaaaaaaaay!", to know that we're gonna meet. Th teasing, th 'physical abuse', th jokes & laughter. Just everything.

I could never thank you enough & I hope you know that I really appreciate all that youve done for me all these while. Waking up early on days where youre supposed to be resting, just to send me to work. And that was just because I woke up late & which sometimes, I was just plain lazy to take th train / waste more money on cab fares. And I could never thank you enough for troubling yourself to fetch me from work or even wherever that I was at, although sometimes it was to your inconvenience.

Thank you for all th times where you actually tolerated my attitude & ridiculous behaviour. Im pretty sure it has always annoyed th fuck out of you, because thats what happened to me all th time when you did th same. But I guess, you chose not to give a fuck anymore whenever that happens because its easier that way. You dont & wont get affected by it. Easy isnt it?

Thank you for bringing me to places that I wanna go, although you may have been there before. We both know that we still have a list of places to go to, things that we wanna do together, but I guess we just have to forget all about it. It cant, and wont happen anymore. Just not possible, I guess? Sigh.

Despite all these, it kills me to know, to even feel like somehow, theres something missing. I dont know if its just me, that Ive been comparing with others or expecting how things should be like when we're together. Then again, maybe its not me. Maybe youre just too comfortable with how we are now, thus th mindset that you dont need to work anymore. I appreciate all your presence / you spending time with me, but I dont want it to stop just there. Even when we're not physically around, I wanted to feel like I could depend on you anytime, anywhere when I need it even if its over th littlest things. I should be thankful that theres still phone calls every now and then, but I hated how we stopped texting unless theres really something. What happened to th times where you just texted for nothing, just to ask how I was or what am I doing? Its still th thought that counts, because atleast it shows that I crossed your mind. It sucks, but its really a fact that one does stop doing th things that they did back then, when they tried to get someone. Harsh reality, yes? But I guess to you, its just too much to ask for. However, I am very thankful that when Im around you, its really just me. As in texts or whatever from any other girls will be entertained later on, which is I guess, a basic respect.

In all honesty, although I feel that I loved you more than you love me, I couldnt recall what Ive done for you. Maybe because I knew how much Ive done for you back then, like going all th way over to your school to wait for your training to end, etc. And precisely. That was back then. A thing of a past. But right now, this "new chapter", when we have managed to somehow fix things & got better together, when I think back, I really have to question myself if Ive done as much as youve done for me. Maybe not as much because I know how it'll always go unappreciated. In other words, 'once bitten, twice shy', sort of? Also, probably because of all endurance / perseverance / patience that Ive went through, just to hold on to this, it may seemed that my love is greater than yours. Maybe I just didnt realise that on my side, Ive taken you for granted as well & somehow, became more demanding. I expected a lot from you & feel that its okay to do that, simply because I wanted to see if you could make an exception for me, though it may wear you out. But I guess, people get tired one day & want to try something new / different. I do get tired as well, from all these holding on & expectations which at times, leads to disappointment. And its our fault. Mine, for expecting too much & yours, for giving me hope.

I'll definitely miss you & all th things that we used to do together. I'll miss how you'll always piggy back me down th stairs. I'll miss how you'll finish my food / drinks when you told me you only wanted some of it. I'll miss how we'll put our strength to test & wrestle each other (which you gave in to me most of th times because clearly, youre way stronger than I am). I'll miss how you'll buy food for me, just because I said I wanted to eat them. I'll miss how you'll randomly mess up my hair, just because you felt like doing so although you know very well how I dislike it. I'll miss plucking th hairs on your legs, just because I feel like doing so and you, wont even get mad at me though it hurts a tiny weeny bit. I'll miss sleeping on your chest, with our fingers interlocking one another's. You should know how safe, as well as happy I felt, whenever you hugged me tight. All your snorings which annoys th fuck out of me at times, yet I could still sleep soundly despite them all, it goes in th list too. I'll miss all th ugly faces you'll always make just to irritate th shit out of me, though sometimes, I felt that you still look okay with them. I'll miss how you always make me smile / laugh no matter how hard I tried to stay angry with you & vice versa. I'll miss you, Syafiq.

I could go on & on when it comes to this. Bottomline is, I'll miss you. So much & more than anything.

Its either one of us will regret that this happened, or we'll be glad that it did. I guess we decided to stop trying, probably because we both knew its just another cycle. Though you didnt say a word, at all, which upsets th fuck out of me because I hated when that happens, where Im blabbering whatever that Im feeling out yet you chose to ignore all that completely, Im still gonna thank you because maybe, you just wanna make things easy for us. So yeah. I hope we'll both be happy, though we both know its not easy. But if its not gonna work out anymore, then why even bother wasting our time trying?

I hope you'll be happy, just like how you always are. And I know you will be.

We were so in love & we thought it'll last forever.
But in th storm, we were torn.

It ends.

2011-12-11T16:09:00.001+08:00

I wish nothing but th best for you too.

Unwell.

2011-12-08T22:08:00.003+08:00

Running a temperature.

And he, insists that I eat th medicine (but fail, because no one can ever make me eat one, regardless of who you are to me. HAHA!). Therefore, he applied th cold pack on my head, as well as whipping up some food for me to eat when Im up from my rest.

Didnt have a great morning, but this has definitely made my day better. I guess Im quite easy to please? Or maybe, Im just too soft / weak when it comes to him. Nevertheless, thank you very much.

You couldnt handle me at my worst.

2011-12-08T09:25:00.002+08:00

"Whats th point of loving someone, if you cant give your all to her, and make her happy? And to be there for her whenever she needs it?"

Whats th point of you being arnd, when you cant even be there for me when I needed someone th most? To be able to entertain all my silly yet ridiculous thoughts & imagination, as well as insecurities about anyth and everyth? You are so distant. I can have you by my side, but deep down, it feels like youre just so far. Because youre only arnd when youre physically are, and when we're far, you literally are. Sucks isnt it?

You told me that I had an attitude. But do you know where this "attitude" came from? Its from all th insecurities, th doubts not clarified, intuition and expectations. Clearly, you just dont care or even bother about what or how Im feeling because youve never asked. Even when I started to pour out whatever shit that Im feeling inside, most of th time, there'll be no replies from you. Am I supposed to settle for this? Having to go through these on my own, when Im supposed to have "someone" by my side? And you, are th someone who I couldnt even confide in, nor can I share whatever shit that has been happening in my life. Someone who is not even interested to even know about anyth or whatever thats on my mind. And someone whos just isnt there, when I needed him th most. So, if this is how youre gonna be, then whats th point of you being around? Its th same as me, being alone.

Ive ever promised myself that he'll get just one last chance. Fuck up, out you go.

Because clearly, he would rather end this shit, than to tolerate all my nonsense. He decided.

Probably, this is th time.

Almost here.

2011-12-06T00:56:00.004+08:00

Ever felt this way? Having someone by your side yet at th same time, it felt like th person is just so far away from you. So near, yet so far. Been thinking since just now & I guess, thats just what Ive been feeling. I cant help but to think that.. nevermind. Sigh. Probably its just me & my expectation. Or its just you & your aloofness. Either way, its not supposed to feel this way.

And funny how photos can be so deceiving, depicting how happy two person may be with each other when behind th scene, its just another different story. All th emptiness, etc. Just bullshit.

Ultimately, this just sums up to one thing. Its just not enough.

I tried being grateful, being contented with everything that I have right now. But th more I am, th lesser efforts you make, which is just not fair.

And all these while, Ive been wanting to know about how you feel, which you'll never tell me and I guess, wont ever. Stop this guessing game or whatever shit, please? Im not a mind reader. I dont know whats on your mind, as much as I want to know. And assumption kills, yes? Sigh.

2011-12-04T15:51:00.002+08:00

Say what? Its finally over! Hahaha. After weeks or even months of practice & all, we're finally done with th year-end concert, which is such a relief because it was really tiring. Cheers to all th kids & teachers for all their hard work to make this happen. And Im so proud of my N1! Hehehe.

Nevertheless, anticipating some changes next year. Doubt most of my little ones will be following to th new centre, so yeah. Haiya. Gonna miss them all, definitely.

Gonna make good use of this more than 3 weeks left with them!

Anyway, th heavy rain couldnt change our mind because we still dined in at Mad Jack yesterday. Yay! After close to 2 hours of being stuck in th rain, as well as waiting for his bike to be moveable again, we finally reach our destination. Th poncho really comes in handy, I must say. Hahaha. So yeah. Rode through th rain home after that, then tv-ing to sleep.

And what else can I say? Nothing is more perfect than to have your other half to snuggle / cuddle with to sleep, after an exhausting day. And th way he hug me tight whenever Im cold is simply superb. Hehehe.

Thank you for th day, sayang melayang!

Leave some morphine at my door.

2011-11-29T20:32:00.003+08:00

Talk about our future like we had a clue.

In th end? Whats all these? Hah.

You can count on me

2011-11-25T21:22:00.003+08:00

"If it makes you happy, do it. If not, then dont."

I'll be more than glad to know that somehow, I was able to help you feel better. I know I may not be a good friend because of some priorities issue, and I know that I may not always be around for you, say when you needed a friend. But for as long as I can help when you need one, I will. I cant promise that I'll always be there because I know better, but just know if you need a listening ear, I'll be more than glad to lend you one. I think thats what I do best. Hehehe, I think! :B

I hope you'll feel better since all these are really draining th shit out of you. Do takecare of yourself & like Ive said, if changes is not possible, just adapt. For as long as you can endure, just do okay. You'll reap what you sow one day. All these perseverance will pay off one day, I hope.

If I lose you.

2011-11-23T20:27:00.003+08:00

Maybe you were right. We dont deserve each other eh?
Scary how things change when you least expect it. Sigh.

Movie

2011-11-22T20:24:00.005+08:00

I dont know why Im drawn to you. Could you be th other one so we'd equal two?

Immortals with Syafiq yesterday. Then quick dinner with his family.

To summarise, I love yesterday. Love how he behave, love how we behave. I just love everything.

Thank you, sayang melayang! ♥

Bleah.

2011-11-21T02:04:00.003+08:00

My day sucks.

Reporting for work on a Sunday, only to be greeted by dogs barking, covered in sweat pretty much summarize my morning. That sucks. Lack of sleep = cranky mode on & heavy rain, made my afternoon suck-er. Th fact that whatever that have been planned & it didnt happen at all, made my night sucked even more. Hah, what a joke. For once, I thought, can it get any worse than this?

And where do I begin? I have to admit, I was pretty much disappointed with whatever that happened earlier on. We could have made it for th movie, if only you had siap like you said you will. So much for meeting at 6 when youre still getting ready when youre supposed to be ready already & just pick me up. Then again, whats new eh? Youre forever underestimating everything. As expected, we couldnt make it on time for th movie. First time? No. Then again, you tried. Went to Marina Square, only to discover that th timing is kinda off & there, back again to what it was initially. I guess you were kinda mad, saying that Im troublesome & all. I know you know what youre doing, but Im never taking th risk. Never. It only takes 1 "check" & if youre still out, in you go. Worth it? No. Yes, youre probably 'sacrificing' for me, but really, dont be silly. Id rather you dont and do whats right.

And here we go again, being all unhappy and everything. It got me rather upset when you told me to just "find my friend & meet them" instead, just because things didnt go as planned. And youre being even more ridiculous when you decided to just send me home. Really? An hour plus on th bike, riding through th rain, only to send me home? How ridiculous can you be? Tsk. I swear at that very moment, th urge to just walk away once & for all, was really over-whelming. Because I really hated being treated that way. First time? No. But as always, I just held it all in. Then, you tried being nice, asking me if Ive eaten, etc. No response, simply because I was still pretty much upset with everything.

Halfway through th journey home, it started pouring heavily. Pulled over at th nearest bustop, only to proceed minutes later cause it seemed okay to go on since its not pouring as heavily as before. How wrong were we, because it started pouring again. So there we go, rode through th heavy rain, accompanied by lightnings every now and then, all th way to Boon Lay. However, I have to admit. I love how you'll always tell me to slip my hands underneath your shirt & hug you tight, so that I wont get so cold, just like th other time. But I was still shivering, obviously. Better than nothing, yes? So yeah. By th time we reached, we're both drenched. Still, you did try to make it up to me by buying me food to munch on & everything. Showered & dozed off. Thank you, nevertheless.

So, I guess it wasnt that bad afterall. Could have been worst, I swear. At least hes doing something about it now, instead of being so egoistic about anything & everything. And thats a yay, yes? Haha. Well, as long as youre trying, Im staying. Simple as that.

Surprise

2011-11-15T01:53:00.004+08:00

Just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them to love you, doesnt mean they dont love you with all they have.

Didnt really have a good Monday morning. Head was hurting so bad due to migraine, and th fact that things between me & Syafiq got rather complicated was not helping either. To me, its always th littlest things that matters more & obviously, its usually these littlest things that will affect me more than anyth, which is what happened that morning.

As usual, all texts sent to him were ignored & I thought, hes totally ignoring me until god knows when, because I have to admit. When it comes to not giving a fuck & ignoring people, hes really good at it, which sucks big time for me. So yeah. Surprisingly, he called late in th afternoon, assuming that I was working & wanted to fetch me I guess. And since I took leave because of that throbbing headache, he decided to catch a movie. To be honest, I was taken aback because he was being all nice & everyth. Nevertheless, we still went ahead with th plan. Had dinner @ Wendys, followed by movie @ JP. After th movie, while we're just walking arnd JP, he randomly asked me if I wanted to get any chocs & of course, I did. How random, yet sweet can he be? Hehehe. Rare moments eh? HAHA. Went over to his crib after that to finish our dinner. Had "storytelling" session with his mum & sister, regarding their trip to Shanghai. Nothing much & not long after that, head home.

In all honesty, Im glad that youre still around, despite th countless times that I told you to leave or said that Im gonna leave, at th spur of th moment. I know what a mess I can be at times, forever emotional about th littlest things, but please, dont give up on me. I know Im not perfect & Im not th best that you can ever have either. But Im still trying. And thats what Ive been doing from th start right?

I want to explore, go to places & do so many things with you. I really do. I just hope that one day, we will have th chance to do that. InsyaAllah.

Nevertheless, thank you so much, love.

When all is good.

2011-11-13T14:41:00.003+08:00

Henderson Waves down.

USS, Bungee Jumping @ Clarke Quay, Wild Wild Wet one day, yes?

Thank you for th day, love.

Hi, Mr Firefighter!

2011-11-01T23:42:00.002+08:00

So, I took leave today to attend Syafiq's POP, though theres a birthday celebration for my kid today. It should pretty much tell you who matters more, I guess? Haha.

So, th plan to check out C&M with Dayana was cancelled last minute, cause she had smth on & couldnt make it. So, Yana & I decided to watch a movie before th whole POP thingy, since I was so bored at home. We watched In Time @ Jurong Point & th movie was awesome, really. Had early dinner @ LJS, while waiting for Syafiq's mum.

Whats there to be said?

Im so proud of you, my firefighter! ♥

Sigh.

2011-10-30T19:27:00.001+08:00

2011-10-27T21:40:00.003+08:00

Im not giving up, but Im not trying either.

What am I really holding on to? I have no idea.

But I guess, time will tell everything.

It was never my intention.

2011-10-26T03:33:00.003+08:00

I cant help but to apologise about whatever that had happened.

It sucks to be feeling this way, where it seems like youre one of th reason why a couple broke up. When all your intention was to help one of them as a friend but inevitably, th other party feels jealous & insecure, because thats just how a girl is.

I have no idea why Im feeling this way even because I was clearly helping him as a friend & nothing more than that. But when I found out how miserable she was for th past few days, I just felt guilty. Not that Ive done anyth wrong or whatever, but I guess, really, I should have known.

Sucks to be feeling this way. Really.

Treat people right.

2011-10-23T23:08:00.003+08:00

Its rather ridiculous to give a silent treatment / cold shoulder to someone youre close with, just because you lost an argument. Well, in this case, about cats. Seriously? Without considering how th other party will feel about all these mistreatment, you just went ahead with whatever unhappiness that youre feeling. While th other party, on th other hand, was so stressed up about everything, wondering why th texts & posts werent even replied. And that unhappiness itself had cause some promises to be broken, just like that.

And I know that Im in no position to say anyth or got myself involved with this. Then again, if you were to give him th attention that he needed, would he even have to turn to another friend to confide in? Its just not fair. I really hate to know about people or a person getting mistreated by others because I know how it feels like. And obviously, its nothing nice. Not nice at all, to be neglected, feeling unwanted and everyth. Then again, I guess if some were to allow their emotions & ego to control everything, then nothing is impossible right? Th silent treatment may drag to days & sometimes, turn into another... i dont know? Just some unforeseen circumstances.

Nevertheless, I apologise if partly, it was my fault. I should have known how very insecure a girl can get, if her other half were to be talking to another girl. As much as we both know our limits, somehow, th insecurities, as well as th jealousy will always be there. And th feeling sucks, definitely. But rest assured, I was only lending a listening ear, not literally. Nothing more than that, definitely.

Doubt you'll be reading this but Im really sorry okay. You dont know how bad I felt about this whole thing. Then again, my conscience is clear. Theres really nothing for me to hide.

If only you knew how very much he loves you.

2011-10-22T20:58:00.003+08:00

Th saddest thing about whatever that happened yesterday, is knowing that youre not fighting for me.

2011-10-16T02:32:00.001+08:00

I DONT NEED PEOPLE LIKE YOU IN MY LIFE.

FUCK OFF.

Skate @ ECP

2011-10-02T03:28:00.002+08:00

Spent th afternoon @ East Coast Park with Syafiq. Like finally, our plan to go rollerblading is on! Hahaha been planning for this since I was in attachment, but only yesterday we finally managed to execute th plan. However, it almost got cancelled halfway cause its already drizzling when we're at somewhere around Alexandra. But thank god, its not raining over at th east side. So here we are!

Had lunch @ Macdonalds before proceeding with the rollerblading itself. Funny when it comes to him cause it wasnt even close to 10 minutes of skating & hes already like "Alaa, I penat la." HAHAHAHA seriously Syafiq? >.<

And he has th tendency to stop every now & then. So much for his pit stops. Haha. Also, randomly stopping at th back when Im already so far away from him in front. So, had to patah balek and wait for him. We also sempat mandi laut out of randomness, other than th pit stops at jetty. And after we returned th skates, he had another round of "swimming" (he dont know how to swim la actually) in th sea. After that, showered & ride home. Wanted to watch sunset & gave it a pass. Supposed to watch Johnny English but th seatings were -.- already by th time we finished skating. So, watch movies online instead. Furthermore, he has to work th following day, so yeah.

Thank you for th day. Enjoyed myself & I hope you did too!

Action speaks louder than words

2011-09-25T13:56:00.005+08:00

What does it mean, to have someone rushing down in nothing but only his boxers on, at 12 plus in th morning, when he received a call from you crying & terrified, because you were disturbed? To walk a distance from his home, passed th public road, th shopping center & to another different estate, just to "come to your rescue"? Frantically finding th culprit because he was unhappy that his happened, but to no avail? Walking back to his home with you & oblivious to people's stares because he just couldnt care less about what people think about his appearance at that moment? Having to trouble his mum to bring down two helmets & shirt, so that he could send you home safely? And ignoring th fact that before this happened, you were th one who left him abruptly because you were upset about certain issues. He could've just leave you there alone but did th opposite instead.

Action speaks louder than words.

This happened a day ago but its still on my mind because obviously, its th littlest things that means more. Thank you.

I love you, Syafiq.

♥

2011-09-19T01:25:00.000+08:00

Make the most of today.

Makes me wonder

2011-09-13T21:37:00.003+08:00

“If you knew that when you went to sleep tonight you’d never wake up, would you be happy with the life youve lived?"

Somehow, this got me thinking.

Where do I belong?

2011-09-05T23:27:00.005+08:00

I went against what everyone was telling me to do because I had faith in you.
Can you see how much I trusted you to do the right thing?

Dont you love in vain, cause love wont set you free.

YOU-ASS-ASS

2011-09-02T12:09:00.003+08:00

Eh hello.

Spent th day at Universal Studio yesterday. My virgin trip, of course I was sexcited about it. Haha. Other than th killer weather, th whole trip was fun & enjoyable, with th fact that Ain and our partner leave th rest of th teachers behind (since they have quite a number of restrictions) so that we can ride th roller coasters. HEHE. And I swear, that was th best feeling ever! Hoho.

Early dinner at Fig & Olive @ Vivo afterwards, then bus home.

And to all th teachers, happy teacher's day!

^_^

2011-08-31T02:25:00.001+08:00

Selamat Hari Raya!

^^v

I

2011-08-26T01:02:00.000+08:00

It's scary how anyone can easily be replaced.

I let it go

2011-08-25T19:43:00.006+08:00

Here I go again.

Yesterday was one emotional day for me, cause I decided to end a "relationship" that obviously mean so much to me. It hurts to just decide to do it, but it hurts even more when th decision was already made & told. So as usual, not much reaction from him & I guess he was pretty unhappy about it. What makes he think that Im so happy that I decide to do this then? But oh well, it already happened & I guess, theres no turning back, as much as I always do.

A friend gave her opinion about this whole thing & I admit, its nice to have someone to just share with me about whatever that she has been observing, etc. I know how annoying this whole thing is, how ridiculous it may be at times but Im just fighting for my happiness. It doesnt make sense to just give it all up just because someone or whoever was annoyed with me for being real, for being who I am. If it makes them happy that I finally keep my mouth shut, keep my opinions all to myself, and if Im going to bother so much about what others think, then whos gonna care about whatever that Im feeling, whatever that I need?

You know, sometimes Im just helpless. But it doesnt matter, cause no one will ever truly understand whatever that Im feeling, whatever that Im going through because they were never in my shoes & I guess, never will be. Different people have different level of endurance, persistence & patience. At th end of th day, th one whos really affected by it is no one but me. Th one who has to go through it, endure it is still me. So I guess, why bother so much about what others has to say?

And just now, something finally came to my head. I dont know how long this will last, whats gonna happen in th future but I guess, like what others say, like what others have foresee, this is something that I really dont deserve. And I know that very well, trust me. Just that I always put that fact aside, because I know very well what I want. And of course, I'll keep working for it because it makes me happy to an extent.

So Ive been thinking & "realise" that maybe, I should really just give this up. So what if Ive been holding on for so long? So what if hes someone that I love dearly? So what if Ive made promises, saying that I wont leave him no matter what, etc? If Im not treated right, then why bother staying? If Im always taken for granted, neglected, then why bother trying so hard? If Im always having to be th one trying to make this work, then whats th point of all these when he dont fucking care? Many have said, maybe hes just doesnt know how to express himself & that, I understand. But it really doesnt make sense if he can flirt around with girls, calling them "sayang" & all those things but when it comes to me, its hard. And it doesnt make sense if he said that he cares or do love me but th times spent on me was so little. Its not fair that he can stay up all night, chatting with someone but earlier on, had wished me goodnight as thought hes gonna tuck in early and me on th other hand, really thought he was already asleep. Its just unfair that he goes around chatting with girls AND asked for their number, then plan for meet ups while me on th other hand, have been waiting for his texts, to just plan something so that we could spend some time together or whatever shit. Really, its just unfair that when it comes to other girls, all th things that Ive been yearning for him to do to me, seems easy. Sometimes, I really wonder if whatever that Ive been doing, is going to be worth it.

And Ive always wished that theres gonna be someone whos gonna pull me away from all these shit, if things were really not supposed to be this way. But I know, I have to help myself first before expecting others to help me.

And looking at another perspective, maybe its easy for him to do that because he just simply dont mean it. He just wants attention & he loves th attention given. But if it includes flirting around, prioritising them over me, then what does that make me? Just a fucking second choice or back up plan. And that, really sucks.

Like he said, we have to come to an understanding to make this work. But it takes two hand to clap. And really, without any mutual trust, its hard. No matter how great, how real my love is, if theres really no trust & honesty, it will never work in th long run.

And I do appreciate that when hes with me or vice versa, nothing else matters. But I guess, if you really love someone, you will not behave nicely only when he / she is around, then totally neglect her when he / she is not there. Its really just not fair & I know, life is never fair.

Having said all these, I guess everything ends here.

You really have no idea how much more Im willing to do for you. Remember when you said youre gonna prove to me that you love me? You did not. Well, you said that you did by not wanting me to go. But maybe, you dont want me to go because Ive always been there for you.

If this is really th end, I dont regret anything because Ive tried my hardest. I really did. But sigh, shit happens.

"A person that truly loves you will never never let you go. No matter how hard the situation is."

Ive proven that I did not when you wanted to end everything, etc. But you did. You let me go.

2011-08-24T12:12:00.003+08:00

Because I dont know who I am to you & where I stand in your life.

This sucks more than anything else.

:'(

Fickle-minded

2011-08-22T14:34:00.003+08:00

I dont know if I really wanna do this.

Your reply, your decision will determine everything. Hurry up please. Im waiting.

Let it go

2011-08-22T10:43:00.004+08:00

Because no matter how powerful & real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully & honestly return them, and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

Maybe Ive been following my heart too much, that I lose my mind in th process.

Im done hoping we could work it out.

Seize The Day

2011-08-21T13:02:00.003+08:00

Theres always that one person that will always have your heart.

My saturday was spent with Syafiq. Well, wasnt a good one initially because of th bullshit & whatever shit that happened th day before. But as usual, I decided to overlook everyth & get it out of my head. And so, he sent & fetched me at BBDC in th morning. Then, accompany me do up my hair @ Snip Avenue afterwards. Th close to 2 hours wait was long enough & I know that somehow, he couldnt wait this long. So I fear that he will start complaining and talk so much & whatever shit. And surprisingly, he did not. Hahaha. Im amazed. :P

Planned to watch a movie that evening, but theres no interesting movies. Even if there are, its alrdy sold out. So, we just chilled at Vivo City. Afterall, its th company that matters right? Haha. And there was a mini firework there, coming from sentosa. It was such a beautiful sight, with us sitting, directly facing where th fireworks are coming from. And he, forever with his "Ah tu da ade fireworks. You tknk berdiri sane, amek gambar? That time tengok pat tv, ni tgk btol pnye." Hahaha annoying shit. I should have taken pictures of it but it didnt cross my mind at all. Anyway, that aside, we spent th rest of th nights chatting & etc, while he on th other hand still multi-tasking (forever with his game). Whats new?

So yeah. Nothing much, but its been a while since we last spent time together this way. And of course, I love it. Thank you for th day.

♥

When I run out of second chances, you give me that look & youre off the hook.

I wish you knew

2011-08-19T07:37:00.004+08:00

So, where do I begin?

I dont know if its th fact that you told me to leave thats making me feel so "jbdfksbgjsdbgksbgsn", or th fact that youre done trying, so you wanna give it up. After reading what youve texted me, th first thing that came to my mind was "Just what that Ive done thats not enough?" Seriously? If you know with th fact that YOU dont deserve me, then why not just appreciated whatever that Ive done for you, when I chose to be there for you? And say, if you told me to leave just because of that one pathetic reason, that you dont deserve me, then whats th point of me trying so hard all these while, enduring whatever shit that you gave me when I dont deserve them at all? And why cant you just fucking try? Im not saying that Im th best, because Im aware that they're others out there whos better than me. But for th efforts I put in, for th shits that I went through, for everything that I did for you, wasnt that enough? I love you more than I want to, even when I know that Im not supposed to. I stayed more than I should, even though I know that Im not supposed to. And you told me to leave just like that?

This sucks.

Honestly, I dont know what Im feeling right now. Partly, I felt crushed because you just cant see that Im willing to do so much for you. But on th other hand, I kinda waited for this to happen.

Sigh. Help?

Im torn apart.
Youve had your fun, do you suppose I earned it?

I dont want to lose you.

2011-08-17T19:24:00.006+08:00

I finally understand.

People judge you by your actions, not by your intentions.

Maybe, I'll give it up this time again. Well, some things are better left unsaid.

Sigh.

Unappreciated

2011-08-15T21:42:00.006+08:00

No matter what, despite all that Ive done for you, it will always go unappreciated.

Whats new? Still, Im taking it to heart because Im so offended by it. I cared, hoping for th best for you. But what did I get in return? Im not even expecting you to care back as much as I cared for you because somehow, I feel that you dont. And when you dont, you really dont. I dont want any "I care but I just didnt show it" shit. Because if you really do, you will show. So, what now?

I was so scared with th fact that most of th people that I know, whom I used to be close with were already dead, because they were involved in a bike accident. So I texted you, reminding you to just takecare of yourself whenever youre riding since all these accidents are becoming quite frequent. But you didnt see th simple reason behind that text, did you? I did what I did, because I care. Its because Im scared th same thing might happen to you. Not trying to curse, but thats just what I felt. Easier said, I just dont want to lose you over this stupid bike accident shit. True that its all written and if its gonna happen, it will happen. But heck, it doesnt hurt to just take an extra precaution to just be careful. But what do I get i return? Just a "Tu dorg pnye psl, I dont want to know" from you. Seriously?

And remember, when you were having fever few days back? You told me you were feeling giddy & asked me to help you massage your head and I did, till you fall asleep. It was not long after that when I realised that youre running a fever, so I did what I could, putting a cold towel at your forehead & covering you up in blanket, just to make sure that your temperature didnt shoot up. I wanted to be there for you, taking care of you while youre sick. But I couldnt because I already had something on. And I dont know why, but I felt bad, when I couldnt be there for you as much as I want to.

Still, I did not forget th fact that you fetched me despite th fact that youre unwell and for that, I thank you & I really do appreciate it.

But it seems that th nice things that you do, doesnt last. Its like Im th one whos trying to make this work, while you on th other hand did try, but its just not enough. I know that you cant love me as much as I love you, and you couldnt do much for me as much as I could for you. Maybe because of one simple reason, that I love and care for you more. And somehow, this just sucks. I do want to be loved, as much as how Im willing to love someone. But.. I really dont know.

You see, its always these little things that we do that means so much, that proves so much. But its also th littlest things that we do, that hurts more than anything else.

You know, for all that Ive done, I just want to be appreciated. Ive done all that I could and maybe, I can do so much more than this. But if all these doesnt seem to mean anything to you, then what else can I do?

If I were to leave one day, its never gonna be because I dont love you anymore. I know that somehow, I will always do. But its because of you. Youre th one who pushes me away.

Yes, my love for you was bulletproof but youre the one who shot me.

Try to look at me & really see my heart.

2011-08-14T23:55:00.004+08:00

Because I know how it feels like to be lied to and th feeling sucks, obviously. And I dont think anyone deserves to be lied to.

Therefore, Im really sorry. Im sorry for bothering more about what youre gonna think of me if I were to tell you th reason honestly. Im sorry that I cancelled it last minute, when I know that everyone is already excited (i think) about this shit.

Well I know when it comes to this, Im never a good friend. Ive never been one, in fact. Eh wait, am I even a friend? Haha. You know, its like expecting / wanting people to be nice to you when on th other hand, you were th one who treat others like shit? Taking them for granted & everything? Yeah.

And I dont know why of all th rest, its you that I feel comfortable with, to apologise to & etc. Yes, we're not that close & I'll never be as close as how you were with th rest. Because somehow, I just feel that I dont fit in. Im forever with my stupid relationship shit & everybody knows if it affects me, it really affects me. And I guess thats just one of th annoying shit that always happen right? And maybe because youre just so easy-going about anything, in spite of all th thinkings that you did, I just felt that youre th most reasonable one. Not saying that th rest are not, but thats just what I felt.

And of course, its nobody's fault but mine. Its because I chose this. Oh well. I guess I'll never be a good friend. Maybe theres just something about me, something about my attitude that will somehow push people away. That sucks, but oh well. Its only life.

*shrugs*

2011-08-14T19:08:00.003+08:00

This boy was down with fever yesterday. Rest well and get well soon okay, love!

Nevertheless, enjoyed th last few days with him. Supposed to go Geylang together last week but smth was wrong with his bike. His bike couldnt even move. Spent time at th carpark, trying to fx it but to no avail. And one of th days, teman-ed him tolak his bike from th workshop all th way to his hse. Haha. Semangat sungguh. Anyway, his bike was already okay now so yeah.

Thanks for all th days, still.

Iftar @ Dayana's yesterday. Steamboat! Woowee. Thanks to her mummy for all th preparation & thanks to us for makan-ing. Haha. I didnt eat much though cause Im full easily. Nevertheless, its still yummy and th day was enjoyed.

Two weeks down. Two more weeks to go & its gonna be hari raya! Huhu~

2011-08-13T01:41:00.000+08:00

Not feeling it anymore.

How could you be so heartless?

2011-08-06T04:22:00.003+08:00

Its only 4 plus in th morning right now, yet here I am sobbing my heart out. Whatever that Im feeling now just sucks. Everything sucks.

I hate to keep saying this but its like everything that Ive done, it wont ever be enough. You were unreasonably mad at me cause I was late when youre fetching me just now & it wasnt even for hours! I was like only 10 minutes late, yet there you are acting like youve been waiting for me for hours. And why was I late? I was touching up th little book that I made for you, that I planned to give you as your advanced birthday present. And this is what I get in return? Thanks.

You bring me down in front of your friends, maki-ing me over th phone when I was just helping your cousin with something. And theres no need for that sarcasm when you talk to me. Have you forgotten? Im a human too and whatever you said or did just now, it fucking hurts! I literally ignored you, not replying at all when you were talking. And you were unhappy with me because of that as well? You know better that if I start talking back, it wont end. But it doesnt seem to please you too when I did th otherwise. So, what do you want?

And it fucking disappoint th shit out of me, with th fact that you dont fucking care that I WALK HOME ALONE from wherever that I was from just now, at close to 3 plus in th morning! Seriously? I was disturbed by some mats on a bike & I texted you, telling you that I was disturbed. I called. But when did you get back to me? Close to 2 hours later. I dont wish to talk to you nor tell you what happened because Im just fucking upset, but there you are making things more complicated by telling my brother about this. Really love to make my life difficult eh? You know whats gonna happen if my parents were to find out about this and all you said to me was "SERVE YOU RIGHT!"

WOW. I fucking went home late sometimes to spend some time with you since we're both busy and when this happen, thats all you can say? Instead of comforting me, trying to make me feel better, you chose to bring me down over and over again, just because you were unhappy with what happened with us earlier on? Seriously, thanks ah. _l_

2011-07-24T13:56:00.001+08:00

Glue me back together.

♥

2011-07-18T01:18:00.004+08:00

Doesnt matter what I say. Just believe my actions.

It proves so much more.

♥

Thank you so much.

2011-07-10T23:30:00.004+08:00

Perhaps, Im not a good friend afterall.

Then again, since when was I even a good friend? I never was. And I will never be.

And yes, I have this habit of not forgetting everything that hurts, that ever happened to me. Because for sure, theres no way that I will ever forget it since it has affected me in one way or another. I can forgive, but I dont ever forget.

Im sorry if it hurts.

However, I cant promise that it wont happen again. I dont even make promises.

2011-07-04T00:31:00.006+08:00

As a #Taurus,if your loyalty isnt equally matched or your efforts go unthanked, you may take it to heart.

I dont care whats gonna happen to you. Youre as good as dead to me.

Thanks for wasting my time & fuck you.

2011-07-02T22:44:00.002+08:00

On Friday, had dinner with my family cause it was so called like my mum's advanced birthday celebration. Syafiq & Kak Hajar were invited to come along too, so yeah. Initially we planned to eat at Marsiling there but due to time constraint, just ate at Kaki Bukit I think, at Teck Whye there. So yeah. There's always a first time to everything. Ive had dinner & lunch with his family a couple of times since secondary school when we're still officially together & even when we're not anymore. So, now its his turn. Funny how he was different when hes arnd my family. Like more quiet & cheeky, but damn noisy otherwise. HAHA.

Nevertheless, th day was enjoyed. Hehe.

(Like wasted only, da tk mataer then ade bnde bnde gini. Hahaha. Doesnt matter anyway.)

Few days to go. In fact, only two more days.

How like that?

2011-06-25T20:20:00.003+08:00

Days were spent with Syafiq & I simply love it, because this was how we used to be back then. Its like nothing else matters. Haha. Spending time together watching movies / having simple meals / teasing each other, etc. Easy life huh? No fuss & fights. Haha. Nevertheless, one more week to go before everything will be decided. Not looking forward to it, obviously.

Thanks for th day.

And do you know? I love your smile just now. Been a while since I saw that.

♥

And no one knows why I'm into you. Cause you'll never know what its like to walk in our shoes.

2011-06-20T00:33:00.005+08:00

I miss you terribly, Syafiq.

Im gonna cry later on, for sure. Whatever it is, just hang in there please.

It breaks my heart knowing all these happened to you. It was really unexpected because th most terrible thing that I ever thought, that could ever happen to you is you involving in an accident. Even so, I somehow see that coming if it were to happen one day. And no matter what happen to you if that were to happen, I know Im still gonna be there for you. But this, I cant be there as much as I want to, because I simply have no choice. Im just helpless & really hopeless.

And it sucks, because this has to happen when we're not in th best of term. More to when we've finally decide to leave each other for good. Really, youre not making this easy for me. But it doesnt matter. All I know is, I'll try my best to be there for you now. Yes, I am disappointed. Yes, I am sad. Then again, its only life.

I know Im strong enough to go through this all these. After 22 days of not contacting at all, Im finally seeing you again later. But this is not something to be happy about. Sigh.

"Kalau kau fikir balek, didnt he already kena the consequence? If i were you, Id give him another chance. Kalau tak ubah jugak, byebye. Aku tau kau da banyak kasi chance tapi ni laen. Its like tuhan campak taik kat muke die, biar die realise. A chance for him to change."

Im gonna take th risk again. I will be there. Simply because when you love someone, you dont leave them when they need you th most.

I really miss you so much. Takecare please.

2011-06-08T22:51:00.002+08:00

You dont know what Im feeling. And I guess, you will never know.

Yet another struggle.

2011-06-05T13:59:00.000+08:00

It hurts like crazy.

2011-06-02T23:01:00.001+08:00

How to go separate ways when we're not even together in th first place? How is that even possible?

And seriously, thats all you can say? Tsk.

2011-05-23T23:44:00.002+08:00

“Forget the guy that doesn’t care for you, the guy that cheats on you, uses you for sex and denies it. The guy that abandons you for his friends and the guy that dumped you because he ‘was sick of it’. Forget the guy that puts you last and the guy that calls you when it’s convenient for him. Forget the guy that calls you cute and pretty, instead of beautiful. Forget the guy that puts you down, that isn’t proud of you, that competes with you. Forget the guy that won’t take no for an answer, and the guy that makes you cry yourself to sleep. Forget the guy that gets with other girls, that hurts you ‘unintentionally’, yet does it time and time again. Forget the guy that calls you begging for forgiveness, he isn’t worth it. Forget the guy that you can’t trust, forget the guy that has made months of your life miserable. Forget the guy that you had to listen to complain about other girls when you were in love with him. Forget the guy that ruined your other relationships. Forget the guy that makes you wait for him. Forget the guy that ‘doesn’t want a relationship’ when you know he just doesn’t want you. Forget the guy that thinks of someone else while you’re thinking of him. Forget the guy that lies every day. Forget the guy that doesn’t know how to love you. Forget the guy you can’t forgive. Forget the guy that made it clear he could forget about you.”

- Tumblr

2011-05-22T15:41:00.004+08:00

I hope you'll be fine.

Do whatever you want. Just take good care of yourself & keep yourself alive. Thats all Im asking from you. Because all I know is, Im just not ready to really lose you. You always leave and I know you will come back, but what if youre never coming back one day? Not because you want to, but because you have no choice and theres nothing that you can do about it. Because its all written. Because life is unpredictable. That, Im unprepared. And I know that I will never be.

Accident for th third time already? Youre scaring me.

2011-05-20T22:47:00.003+08:00

Done with my graduation, like finally. Tiring week, despite th fact that Im working for only like 2 1/2 days. Haha. Nevertheless, nothing interesting happening in my life right now. Just gonna distract myself from everything with work & several upcoming events that have been planned. Woo, gonna be busy I guess? Hopefully, it will work this time round.

But then again, I honestly have to admit. Despite all th mistreatments & everything, at th end of th day, its still him that I think about & I miss. But does it even matter? I know its contradicting, but feelings are still feelings. Or maybe, Im just missing th memory of him. Nothing more than that. Well, I really dont know & dont wish to know anything either.

Just let go of the things that make you sad. Its the simplest way to stay happy.

Youre lucky if your memory remains.

2011-05-18T01:59:00.000+08:00

Gonna give exactly what you deserve.

2011-05-15T19:32:00.008+08:00

The heart tells you what would make you feel better and safe, even if its illogical but the head keeps you in reality, weighing whats logical and right for yourself.

And I guess Ive been holding on to a dead love all these while. I dont know what to say anymore. I keep saying th same stuffs about knowing what I deserve and what Im gonna do, etc. But I never did walk th talk. I didnt leave like how I said I wanted to. I just cant. You keep coming back no matter how many times you may slip away and I keep letting you in no matter how many times I said I wouldnt.

And whats new now? I sound like a broken record.

And fact is, Im just nothing special to him.

This sucks.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Anyway, was browsing through my pics just now. They are indeed, very much missed. Time passes by so quickly. Hope to see them pretty soon, other than Ain whom I see every working days. Hoho.

2011-05-12T23:15:00.000+08:00

How I wished things would have happened so differently. I tried to save it so many times, but you still couldnt see.

Its just unfair how a small misunderstanding can cause you to be so unreasonable. You didnt even try to understand whatever that Im trying to say. Youre still as egoistic as ever. Well, whats new? Surely I dont deserve to be treated this way. No one deserves it. And you should know, Im only human. I have feelings too.

I dont want to try anymore.

I need to save my heart.

2011-05-11T00:15:00.001+08:00

For better or worst, I'll be there.

2011-05-02T22:40:00.005+08:00

So, I shall update about whatever that I can remember still. Haha.

Went to KL last week I think? Or was it 2 weeks ago? Shall not elaborate that much cause I doubt I can even remember what happened anyway. Theres always pictures in my facebook that will tell you what actually happened, etc, though obviously not everything is there. Haha. So yeah. 4D3N at Kuala Lumpur with cousins, aunts, uncles & siblings.

Reached KL around close to 4 am, watch TV then sleep. Th next morning, checked into AnCasa hotel & off we go to lunch. Had lunch at Kenny Rogers & shopped at Mid Valley Mall. At night, head to Petaling Street for another round of shopping. Sister & I had "spa" session in th bathtub together. Haha, so fun! Nothing much on th first day cause we basically did shopping only. Hehe.

Th following day, spent th whole afternoon at Sunway Lagoon. Very fun! But kinda wasted cause we didnt swim / play in th water. But doesnt really matter. Rode on almost all th rides there & I love them all. Hahaha. Such a waste that th big roller coaster is under maintenance. If not, all rides completed. When we were about to go home, it started to rain & thankfully, we werent that drenched cause it only started to rain very heavily when we reached th shopping mall there. So yeah. Bus-ed back to th hotel & just lepak, while waiting for aunts & uncles to come back from their round of shopping at Masjid India. Meanwhile, sister and I had our own personal rounds of bathtub-ing again. So fun. Hehe. At night, another round of shopping at Petaling Street again. Shopping spree~ Woowee.

Last but not least, packed all our things & had breakfast before th last round of shopping at Mydin's th next morning. Not really shopping, but just bought some souvenirs for some people. Head to th bus terminal at idk where. But th bus terminal so big! Like airport already. Hahaha. Around 4 gitu, board th bus & off we go. Back to Spore. Hoho. Wish can stay longer but what to do, its only for 4 days. But better than nth right? Haha. So yeah, thats about it, basically. Lazy to elaborate in details. Hehe. Really enjoyed it.

Pictures can be found in facebook.

x x x x x x x x x x x x

Advanced birthday surprise on Tuesday by friends. Kinda expected la actually. Hehe. So yeah, was blindfolded by Ateeqs & Dayana from Clementi, all th way till West Coast Park. Thank god my ezlink fare was low, so we had to cab there. Buat malu je naek bus blindfolded. Heh. I guess I made a fool of myself, waving at random people that I cant see. Then again, who cares anyway. Not as though they know who I am. Hahaha.

After such a long walk at West Coast Park, reached th place where th rest of th people are & tada, birthday cake for me! Hehe. Like pathetic eh, 19 years Ive lived, that was th first time that I actually get to blow th candle from a birthday cake. Tsk, I know right. Damn pathetic lor, haha. Then again, they used th "cant blow off" kind of candles, so I had to actually blow it many times. But doesnt make any difference anyway cause I had to wait until th candle go off by itself. Still, thanks anyway! Hee~

Eating session after that. Nothing much though. Haha. Still, thank you for th celebration & wishes & everything. Very much appreciated.

Last but not least, out with Syafiq on Saturday. Movie session & had dinner at Wendy's. Watched Fast & Furious 5 and I guess th movie was not bad la. Thanks for th day okay budak masai! Haha. Me likey also. Feeling feeling pi dating, padahal tkd pape pn. Heh. Shopping @ Bugis with Ain on Sunday. Shopping maha shopping lor, since we got our pat earlier than we expected. So yeah. Kinda tiring, but was worth it I guess? Thanks for th night & th company eh.

In other words, everything was great! Me likey many many. Great week I guess? Woowee. Shall stop here for now. May th following weeks be as good. Hehehe.

Goodnight people.

2011-04-29T00:14:00.004+08:00

1. KL trip was fun & enjoyable.

2. Thank you for th birthday wishes, be it on facebook, texts, twitter, phonecalls, msn /fb chats & everywhere.

3. Thank you for th mini celebration & surprise.

Shall do a proper update when th time comes & when Im in th mood. Haha.

Woo. Supposedly 54th yesterday.

Time flies.

2011-04-17T12:13:00.004+08:00

As seen above, had a dinner with Syafiq & his family, including his aunts and cousins yesterday. Since I already know some of them, it wasnt that awkward for me. Received a text from him saying that we're meeting at around 3 like that, but everything got delayed, so I went out around close to 7. Makes no difference actually cause we only had th table for 13 at around 9 plus. So yeah.

Had dinner at Manhattan Fish Market @ Marina Square & th food was okay I guess? Its more to seafood, so I dont really eat much. But still, th whole dinner process was enjoyable. Theres always a first time to everything anyway. Hehe. Nevertheless, thank you to his mummy & himself for th treat. Appreciated. ^_^

Nevertheless, 4 days to KL & 10 days to my birthday! Woowee!

2011-04-13T02:34:00.002+08:00

We just have to accept th fact that some people are going to stay in our hearts, even if they dont stay in our lives.

♥ ♥ ♥

2011-04-10T15:03:00.007+08:00

STOP STRESSING OVER TH ONES WHO BROKE YOUR HEART.
THEY DONT DESERVE YOUR TEARS.

Sucks to be feeling this way every single time when I know that this is just another phase that I have to go through. But I know that I'll be fine later on.

Then again, this still sucks & as much as Im used to it, it hurts just th same.

:'(

I still dont understand. Why do you keep pushing me away?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Here’s to all those girls who used to be his number one. The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check her cellphone the next morning and be disappointed. The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened. Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. The ones who listened to him say, I only want to be your friend, one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves and misses you. We deserve something, and this is our tribute.

Here’s to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change. We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught crap from our parents, and even snuck around to see him for while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us.

Here’s to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. Here’s for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn’t possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to SETTLE for someone who didn’t treat us the way we should be treated. Here’s for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say that he couldn’t see us today. The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn’t believe that he could do this to us again. This is for those great girls, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn’t bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder “what if”.

This is for the girls that stayed up all night long listening to him whine about an ex girlfriend who cheated on him, and cried during the entire conversation. The ones who hoped he would realize that he deserved better, that he deserved us. When he said that he loved you, but he was in love with her, he didn’t mean it.

This is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with. This is for us girls, who somehow managed to get him to forget about her, and get him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us three weeks later that “things were going too fast, he needs time.”

Here’s to the girls who couldn’t cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. This is for the ones who couldn’t bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an “I told you so.” The ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, and their dreams again. We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved like that.

Here’s for the ones that FINALLY realized that he never gave a crap about them. Here’s for the time that he broke your heart again. This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment. Here’s for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better. This is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes it’s better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt. Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. When “your song” comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don’t answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the crap he was. Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn’t him, and realized that once again, he hadn’t called when he said he was going to.

One day, you’ll find a guy who’s worth all the tears, but he won’t make you cry. You may think that you’ll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It’s gonna hurt like crap, and it’s going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal.

This is for those girls, who fell back in love with a guy, only to get hurt all over again."

-Tumblr

2011-04-07T23:23:00.006+08:00

Distractions are all I need to stop me from thinking about you. Then again, without even th need to think, youre always in my mind, effortlessly. And I guess no matter how many distractions there may be, youre still th one I think about at th end of th day.

Sadly, I doubt I even cross your mind.

I tried to act like it didnt matter, but I know Im just deluding myself. Haha.

Bottomline, I miss you.

2011-03-30T21:37:00.005+08:00

Ive decided to privatize my blog due to some reasons like privacy among family members, freedom of speech & few others. Might be temporary though, so I shall see how it goes.

And whatever that youve read here, please keep it to yourself. I trust you enough to invite you. Thank you very nice.

I cant say much here but yeah, smth scary yet interesting happened to my sister. Before that, some arguments took place between her & one of my brother which is rather scary yet funny at th same time. Because earlier on, my sister was rather unhappy with my brother regarding something, so she let it all out on her facebook wall. Apparently, she blocked my brothers so theres no way that they can view it right. But she forgot that this brother of mine love to log in his girlf's account & my sister have his girlf in her friend list. So as expected, he log into her account & saw whatever that my sister wrote on her wall. Obviously he was unhappy. Th funny part is, my brother called her from outside & ask her "whats this?". Then my sister look at th screen & said "nothing", run quickly to th room & locked th door. Hahahahaha. So dramatic. But at th moment, its scarier than funny okay. So my brother keep banging th door, etc cause he was fuming mad. My sister told me to call my parents for help & sadly, they didnt answer th phone. So I called my another brother instead. To cut th story short, my parents reached home moments later & as expected, my brother told whatever shit to my parents & my sister got a scolding from father.

I dont really understand my family la actually, cause my father said smth about confiding in them whenever we have any problems or whatever shit, instead of posting it on th net or smth. But have they actually think, in th first place, do they even understand us? Do they even understand whats on our mind? Its like, whats th point of confiding, letting them know whats on my or our mind, when we know better that we're gonna get a scolding or some unnecessary remarks which wont help, at all. So I guess its better to just let it out somewhere, or to someone else. Cause I guess my parents cant be my friend too, as much as they want to.

Continue, my sister cried so hard that her fingers & everything all went numb. So numb that she cant even move both her arms & legs. My younger brother, mother & I was already crying because its just scary to see this happening to her. Both of her fists was clenched damn tightly & her arms were bent, but she can barely move. Okay I shouldnt say much here but thats what happened to my sister & it took us close to an hour to actually make everything normal again cause parts of her body just went stiff & cramp again when some other parts were okay already. And it just repeats that way. Even so, shes still trembling now. Hopefully, everything will be okay in th future & it wont happen again. Then again, unforeseen circumstances like this do happen & I guess we'll just have to expect th unexpected. Thats life anyway right?

Still, I cant imagine if she were to remain that way. Say, no one was around in th house or no matter how hard we tried, she still remain that stiff. I really cant imagine. But thank god, shes fine now & I hope she'll remain that way for a long period of time. Hahaha. No, seriously.

And yeah, theres something else that I found out when this happened to my sister, but I guess some things are better left said. So that way it shall be.

Now that all these had happened, I just feel that my family is unsafe. Things are really gonna be different for my family in th future. How like that?

2011-03-29T02:06:00.003+08:00

Always remember, pain makes people change. So dont hurt them when you dont want them to change.

Can you like just ask yourself, why do you always react negatively when youre mad when it comes to me? For once, can you just like be understanding and just tell me that it doesnt matter and everything's okay & I dont have to feel bad about it or whatsoever. Its not my fault that it happened. I dont even wish for it to happen in th first place. So when it comes to me, why cant you just try to be reasonable and understand?

Like youve said, maybe I expected too much from you, which is true. I did because I know that youre capable of doing so. I know how capable you are. Then again, I have to remember ; Just because Im willing to do all these, just because I can endure and go through all these shit & pain, doesnt mean that he can do th same when it comes to me. And Im aware that youre no good for me. Im aware. Youre aware. Everyone knows. But I wonder, why do I even bother to stay? When will I ever know? And most importantly, when will I ever learn?

Important VS Special
Important: Someone you need for th rest of your life.
Special: Someone you'll never forget for th rest of your life.
YOU = SPECIAL.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"To let go isnt to forget, not think about, or ignore. It doesnt leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isnt winning, and it isnt losing. Its not about pride, its not about how you appear, and its not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isnt blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts and doesnt leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. Its not giving in or giving up. Letting go isnt about loss, and its not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, and overcome and move on. Its having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It’s learning, experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon again. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It’s realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, to clear a path, and to set you free."

In other words, I cant let go still. Yet.

& supposedly 53rd yesterday.

I miss you. I miss us. But its gone.

MANAGE ME. IM A MESS. ONE LOST & CONFUSED HUMAN.

2011-03-27T02:26:00.005+08:00

Love leaves a memory that no one can steal but sometimes, it leaves a heartache that no one else can heal.

Trying to make it work but man, these times are hard.

2011-03-24T01:50:00.006+08:00

Unreasonable shit.

Dont you have your own life to take care of? Ive never bothered with yours cause Im expecting you to do th same when it comes to me. Youve been through what Im going through, so you should at least what, understand? Tsk.

Fucking unfair okay. Just my luck to have this kind of ______. Like seriously eh, zaman bile ni skrg?

-_-

2011-03-23T12:11:00.004+08:00

Know what? You should really stop using people's things as though its yours. Okay, more to MY things. Because you have to remember that its NOT yours & before you even use, you have to ask because its just basic courtesy. Common sense kay? I dont mind if you wanna use it but definitely NOT on th day where I wanna use it too. You should fucking know this by now right! Annoying shit.

Da kasi muke, naek kepale. Tsk.

2011-03-22T23:32:00.001+08:00

Whatever happens to us, you will always have a place in my heart.

Thats for sure.

2011-03-22T01:50:00.005+08:00

And there might be someone out there who isn't giving up on you either, knowing that your heart is still his. But that person might give you so much more, more than you can imagine, but you won't know because you refuse to let go and learn to be loved instead of constantly loving him and getting nothing but pain, heartache in return. I'm just saying, i know it's hard, but you have to let go, slowly. It's not easy, but there's no point carrying out if you are always the one wanting to love. Aren't you tired? Why not for once know how it feels to be loved? It might not be the same love he gives you previously, but as least you won't be in so much pain and heartache. If love is all about heartache, it isn't anymore.
And him getting jealous, does he really love you? Or is he being selfish cos he knows you care about him and that no one else would actually care like you do if you really leave? Or is he just being plain selfish by not wanting you to give your love to someone who actually wants it and wants it all for himself?
Think about it baby.
- TJW

For me to ponder. Hmm.

2011-03-18T12:09:00.001+08:00

Remember a #taurus loves unconditionally and nothing they've been through changes them. #Stubborn and #Loyal.

2011-03-15T01:40:00.004+08:00

All I know is, I love you too much to walk away though.

Takecare alright. I'll miss you very very very very very very much.

Seriously.

2011-03-12T18:09:00.005+08:00

Not going to wish you well. Who cares anyway?

Just remember. If he can do this to me, what makes you think he cant do th same to you? But if th opposite happens, then good for you okay.

You broke all your promises. Yes, every single one of them. Thanks.

Semakin terserlah kesialanmu. Maintain okay.

\m/

2011-03-07T12:01:00.007+08:00

If you wonder why, its because you disgust th shit out of me.

I know my limits. As much as you try to hide things from me, theres always a way for me to find out and obviously, I just did. My predictions came true.

But oh well, what can I say? I cant blame you for being so erm, easy? Boys will always be boys.

You couldnt keep your hands to yourself.

2011-03-06T12:45:00.006+08:00

Hello yaw.

Its been a while since I had a post with so many pictures posted, so this shall be th one. Hahaha. I know la my previous posts all like so -.- but whatever.

Anyway, went makan-makan with family plus Cik Aini & th husband yesterday at arnd CCK there. Idk whats th exact name of th place, but yeah. Angah drove us there, so transport is not a problem la actually. Its my first time going there & I have to say, th food are really naise. Satisfying enough although my stomach feel like its gonna meletup alrdy cause theres really a lot of food. Bahahaha. Some time later, head home cause Along needs to work yaw.

Send Along & parents home, then off we go to melalak at Boon Lay. Sister's treat. Maut la lu. Hehe. Saw a number of familiar faces there. 3 hours of karaoke-ing, then off we go.

I dont know what to update la actually. Haha. And standard, th rest of th pics are at facebook.

Toink.

2011-02-27T15:52:00.000+08:00

Everyone says youre the biggest asshole. And I know I deserve better. But its not my fault my heart only wants you.

2011-02-22T19:41:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, no matter how much you want something, you have to just give it up. It just aint worth the heartache. One day, they'll regret that they lost you.

2011-02-21T21:44:00.003+08:00

Shes so confused, she know she deserves more ;

Someone who will love & adore.

People say, dont give up if you still wanna try. But th question is, will it be worth it?

Honestly. I have no idea either.

2011-02-17T21:09:00.002+08:00

Im not supposed to feel this way,

but I miss you so much.

2011-02-13T17:14:00.004+08:00

Because a smile can hide so much.

An arrow can be shot only by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that its going to launch you into something great.

2011-02-10T21:15:00.006+08:00

Promises are hard to keep. Th emptiness is hard to bear when you know that if you reach a little deeper, nothing's there.

If I am not th one, then whats the point in all this time, just to find theres nothing here between us?

Cause Ive already been with you for way too long, if I am not th one.

2011-02-08T22:24:00.005+08:00

Trust no one completely. Serious shit.

On th other hand, some things are better left unsaid.